Stupid Stinky Deployment!!!

Its been a  while since I blogged. I have been a busy busy woman, but the last two weeks its mainly been because of a sick little gaby girl. Dru throw up, I can handle... Gaby throw up, not so much. I have had to do things the last few weeks that I never ever wanted to do. I had to hold my baby down and let a doctor give her a shot, and I had to hold her down while she got blood drawn. Hardest. Thing. Ever. It goes without saying that everyday gets harder and easier at the same time, but its days like those that I literally ache with how much I miss Brandon. He is the big strong soldier man, he can handle stuff like that not me. A lot of times it feels like I do thinks only because I have to, with tears in my eyes or a crappy mood, but I do it. I do it because my kids need me, I do it because I want Brandon to know that I can handle the shit that the deployment throws at us, and that has to be good enough, because damn it, there are some days that I just don't want to change another effing diaper, or that I don't want to get up in the middle of the night because Gaby needs tylenol. Mainly it's just knowing that if Brandon was home I would have help, support, and some one to help make the days and nights better. Knowing that if a day is good, it could have been better had he bee there, or that a long night would have been easier if I could have him wrap his arms around me and kiss me back to sleep. The deployment is hitting me hard lately and I know that most women hit a low point around the four month mark which, tada, is right where we are at. its like yeah we made it four months... but we have so long to go. I have to struggle with my inner spoiled rotten wife and not throw a tantrum some days because all I want Brandon to do is pay attention to me, not play stupid poker or wwe 2011 with his friends. Luckily for both of us the deployment is teaching me some patience and understanding, because I know that he needs that time with his friends to wind down after the long days that they have to deal with, and that he always skype kisses me and the girls good night, so I know I have it really good, and I know he deserves a break. All I want to do is just have him home. I want to touch his face and kiss his lips and fall asleep in his arms, whoever said that body pillows help, you're a liar!!! Some days I wake up and force myself out of bed and to the gym, or to PWOC, some days I am up before the sun and just ready to knock another day off this seemingly never ending calender on my wall, but either way, the day passes, and we are one day closer to him being home, and to looking back on these days and thanking God for the growth and strength that he has given us through this experience. I am so thankful to have been blessed with a husband that makes this process as easy as it can be, that communicates with me, and that keeps a smile on my face whether its through a silly comment, a skype conversation, or one of our many unforgettable memories. I guess the point of this blog is that I'm strong because I have to be, but I am in love because with brandon its as easy as breathing. I can make it through the hard days because I have God, my family, memories, and the knowledge that when Brandon gets home, I have so much to look forward to.

back at it

it's been a few days since my last post, for the awesome reason that I have been way too tired for keeping so busy that I just want to sleep!! I have been really active in the community lately, trying to get involved with the FRG and getting out and meeting people, going to every event the base has to offer. Let me just say this, it is amazing home fast you meet people and how fast the day passes when you don't get home until 5 and you wonder where the day went. I hit the gym last week and I have been going ever since. Can I just shout from the rooftops how much I missed running, classes, and the sauna?? Give me three weeks and I am positive that I will be ready to step out on Waikiki beach with Brandon on his R&R in a bikini and have people wonder how we adopted kids that look so much like us (or since they look like brandon they will think he traded his wife in for a sexy new woman!) . I feel like I have been going a thousand miles an hour, but its been nice because I NEED this, I need to get out I need to make this deployment go by fast and I need to remember what its like to be Marlana, to have things to talk about other than diapers and potty training. I love sitting down at the computer to skype with my super soldier and having just as much to talk about as he does, instead of hoping that I am interesting to him. Its nice. I am going to start blogging every night or so again too so that I can actually have something worth checking out every couple days rather than every couple weeks!

One Love

Today is Gaby's 3rd birthday. I can't even believe that its been three years already since the first time that I held my daughter. The day of her birth was one of the most amazing days I have ever experienced. Brandon and I got not sleep that night. He held me through the contractions for ten hours, walked the halls with me, told me he was proud of me, kissed my head. I remember thinking, this man is the bet husband in the world, and I know he is going to make an even better father. I remember thanking God that I decided that I did want to have kids for him, because he deserved to be a father. I remember taking our last picture as just the two of us and thinking, its not the end of something, its the beginning.

  After that first ten hours, I thought I was doing pretty good, until they checked me. I swear those nurses TRY to make it hurt!! After she finished assaulting me, i assumed she was going to tell me that I was at like, a five or six at least... nope. I was STILL at a two. After a month at two and being induced five days late because of a stubborn baby girl, I was mad! I cried. Brandon got scared. I got an epidural. Happiness ensued. Seriously, those things should come with a happy face sticker on them. After another five hours, some very embarrassing conversations enhanced by drugs, and quite a few uncontrollable naps, I felt like maybe I wanted to push. The nurses told me that my midwife had gone to get her hair done, and would be back when the baby was ready. I was mad. They check me, Gaby is face up, I'm at an 8. They pushed and pulled on my tummy to get her to turn and it did not feel good so..... I yelled at the nurses, cried to my husband, kicked everyone out and fell asleep again. I woke up at 520. I remember telling Brandon it hurts. The nurse checked me and tell me Gaby turned to the proper position and they say, you are ready to push. Sue comes in, fresh from the hairdresser at 530. We started to push. I wish I could say I remember it all but I don't. I had a really good epidural. I do remember them asking me if I wanted to feel her coming out and thinking, umm... I am! But they meant touching her head as she came out. I wasn't interested. I remember her feeling her shoulders coming out, two pops, not painful, just weird. I had told them to clean her up before they gave her to me so they did. It seemed like forever, but after 23 minutes, she was out and took her first breath in the world at 553 pm.

I remember being so scared because she didn't cry. I kept asking, why isn't she crying, why isn't she crying. Sue kept telling me that she was fine and she was perfect, and I didn't believe her. Then I heard her, I heard her screaming and I cried. I cried tears of pure raw joy for the first time in my life. Brandon cried with me, I thanked God. Our doctor scolded the nurse because she was holding Gaby telling her how pretty she was, telling her that we should be able to see our pretty baby too.

They gave her to us and she was perfect. I was thinking, who's baby is this? She looked so different than I pictured her, she was even prettier than I imagined. I must have told her I loved her over a million times and Brandon too. He looked so beautiful to me, puffy eyes and all, because I had never seen him so happy in the seven years that I had known him. I fell even deeper in love with him. Our little Gabrielle Marley was a perfect 7 pounds, 7.2 oz and 19 7/8 inches long. I will never forget Brandon holding her for the first time and saying, "am I doing this right?" I laughed as I was still crying. Family and friends came in and took pics and talked to us, gave gifts and told us how pretty she was. I was grateful that we were so blessed, but ready to be alone with my husband and my daughter. I loved seeing my husband as a father. Right from the start, he knew how to be an amazing dad, he held her and played with her and stared at her. We both did.

After Brandon finally fell asleep, I held my sleeping daughter and felt my heart ache. It wasn't a bad ache, it was a good one. It was the feeling of my body making sure that my heart held enough room for all the love and devotion that was growing in me looking at that little girl. She had my heart from the moment I looked at her and saw her looking back at me, knowing that I was looking into a part of me and that she had to know that I was the one that cared for her while she grew, that had her because I wanted to have her, and that would watch the world burn if it meant I could keep her from ever feeling pain. I talked to God that night, like I do every night, and just thanked him for completing me in such a way. I had everything. I was blessed and loved and happy, and I couldn't ask for more.

When we took her home, I remember thinking, they are trusting us to know what to do? We have never done this before!! But not only did we manage, we thrived. I learned how to breastfeed slowly and painfully. Brandon learned that if you hold a naked baby while her bath is running, she will more than likely pee on you. We learned that once they start rolling you never stop running.We learned that fits and tantrums are inevitable, as are hugs and kisses and giggles that make you so happy you cant take it.  Our baby isn't a baby anymore. She is becoming an amazing little girl, with endless energy, that loves to sing bruno mars, that knows that her daddy helps people in ghanstan and eats cheeseburgers and is pretty sure that she is going to marry buzz lightyear one day. I love her, and I need her more than she needs me. I thank God for her everyday, and I get excited for the times that she still wants me to hold her when she falls asleep, because it reminds me of that day, her birthday, when she was mine and nothing was better than being swaddled and snuggled by mommy. Happy Birthday to my little girl, my one love, my heart. I love you booski.

Can U Help Me

   Junior year, here we are again. Its Winterball, and even though I have started dating a guy that has long since become nameless and faceless to me, I still ask Brandon to go with me. Why, may you ask? Simple answer... I love his company, more than anyone else company, and to be honest, far far more than faceless guy's company. Of course there is a Dru Hill song involved, because they had come out with a new song and a new single, I Should Be. Of course he burned me a copy of the CD right when it came out, and told me to listen to it, and of course it made me smile like I just won the lottery, but that night when he sang it in my ear I couldn't imagine anyone singing it any better... sorry Sisqo. But the title of this one is Can U Help Me. The dance was really fun. We took super cute pics, danced all night. Spent time with my high school bff. I know I said in the Beauty blog that I fell in love... and I did. I really did. But then, and even now, he scared the shit out of me. Real talk. How crazy is that to be 15-16 years old and know that you found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? So I denied it. Thought it was just puppy love, or a crush. That night though, on the cafeteria turned dance floor, we danced to Usher. Can U Help Me. Oh lord. The way his hands felt around my waist, the way the skin on his neck was so hot under my fingertips from dancing all night, and the way his breath and lips felt on my ear while we sang that song to each other under our breath, I knew I couldn't put that off as a crush anymore. I was in love. I mean, unconditional, unchanging, and unending love. That forever kind of thing. That night when the dance ended, I never wanted to leave, didn't want my future mother in law dropping me off at some Christmas party that I didn't want to go to, to spend the night in the company of people that pretty simply, could not compare on their best day, to how I felt with Brandon even on his worst.

february

Ok so I know that February is half over now, and don't get me wrong I am super happy that the month has slipped past so quickly, but holy cow it went fast! So I never finished my recipe scrapbook that was my last months goal, but I did buy a really awesome when we took our little mini vacation to the states, which was really nice, and it has over 650 recipes for ten dollars (yay me!). Right now I am in the works to get gaby's big three ready. I have big plans for this party, which are, at the moment, being cramped due to my decision to have her party in Germany, where they don't deliver the gift that she wants and where I am struggling to find the right decor and fun stuff to make the party really pop, but knowing me, we will get there in the end and it will be an amazing event for my little girl. I want to make it amazing for her, and I set it at a time where brandon can skype with us so that he can "be" here too. Its going to break my heart for him that he can't pick her up and tell her happy birthday, and give her hugs and kisses, but thank the lord for modern technology that he can at least see it and see her, and she can know that even with him far away, we are still his top priority. February is half over, and I can't even explain how happy that makes me, because thats just one more month down!

These are the Times We all Wish for...

Fast forward. Its Homecoming time at Davis High School, Brandon and I are sophomores, and we are not really boyfriend and girlfriend, because we hadn't "asked" each other yet. Its a cold night at Zaepfel Staduim (yes I googled it, its been six years!!), and despite me and my girls best cheering efforts, our beloved Davis Pirates lost the game. As Renisha and I are walking off the track, so is he. It was pretty much an every weekend thing that I stayed the night at her house since she lived right across the street from the stadium, so she tells me that I can give him her number so we can talk on the phone while I am there. I must have been the worst guest ever that night because I stayed on the phone with him the WHOLE night, well almost. It still cracks me up to remember Renisha's mom come out and tell me to get off her phone that late... in her defense, it was almost four am. But before we hung up, he asked me to Homecoming, and of course, I said yes.
   It was our first date, finally. We decided to go with a really pretty maroon color, and I got myself a dress that was pretty and fitted. The girls and I got our eyebrows waxed for the first time ever, and I finally learned the meaning of pain is beauty. I wanted to look more than pretty though, I wanted to look gorgeous, I wanted him to never forget our first date. The morning of the dance I was so pathetically giddy. I bragged to the nail lady, who probably couldn't even understand me, about my date that night, smiling the whole time. The girl that did my makeup got the same story, but she wasn't that much older than me so she was just as chatty, and when she asked me if I liked him, I said, more than anyone else in the world. And I put my head down and smiled. My mom drove me home, I put the dress on and we did my hair. I was perfect. I was also perfectly nervous. I played some 007 on the Nintendo 64, because killing your little brother with the golden gun and making him cry is always a good way to settle your nerves. When he knocked my heart was beating a million miles an hour, and I made my mom open the door.
   He looked amazing. Fresh haircut, his red matched that of my dress perfect, he had a pretty little corsage for my hand and he was smiling MY smile, the one that makes me smile just seeing it. We took pictures and my parents met his dad for the first time. Then we had Chinese food.  I think we were both nervous because it was the first time that we had spent time really alone outside of the courtyard, but after a few minutes, we were talking about everything, from the homecoming game, to homework, to how good we both looked. We were young, and a little shallow, but it was perfect. At the dance we danced all night, he didn't dance with anyone but me and I loved it, because he wanted to give me and only me all of his attention. He got my drinks, he spun me around the dance floor, he sung along to the songs, and I just could not imagine that anyone there wouldn't have been jealous, because I just knew that no one was happier than me that night.
  After we left, he had his dad take me home, and always the gentleman, he walked me to my door, and kissed my cheek. I swear it burned into me. That was the first night I stayed up all night thinking of a boy.

walks by me everyday... her and love are the same.

     This blog begins in September of 2000. In quite possibly, the worst place in the world... Math class. Mr. Rau's pre-algebra class was pretty much my least favorite place to be, due to the fact that I loathe the subject entirely. Even as a 14 year old kid I knew that I didn't care to work with numbers... thats what accountants are for right? Well, for this reason, I hardly ever went to class, and if I was, I was late. I had the best friend a carefree girl could have. Renisha Allen. She talked some sense into my ass, telling me the obvious. If I didn't pay attention and get my shit together, I would get awful grades, not graduate, and pretty much never amount to anything. So, I started going to class, paying attention, doing my work.
       And I noticed him. Not that I hadn't noticed him before, because I had. I noticed his hair. Oh GOD all that hair lol. I remember thinking, why the hell is his hair orange? I noticed his clothes too, another eww. Thank the Lord he got comfortable with himself and started dressing the way he does now. I remember the first thing he said to me, you might be thinking, awwww... don't. He was so rude! It was, and I quote "why are you always late, why do you even bother coming?" and I thought... Why do you even care? But then I saw him smile. All these years later, I still remember the way that his teeth glinted in that crappy light, the way his cheeks made his eyes squint. And then I noticed his eyes. They were so pretty. His eyelashes were so long and black, and his eyes were so brown, so dark brown, but they shined.
      I thought he was beautiful. We would talk, chit chat, nothing more really, just small talk, just so that I could make him smile, I loved seeing it so much. Then one day it happened. It was customary back in the day to bring your CD player to school, since, you know, we didn't have iPods yet.  I asked him what he was listening to, and he said Dru Hill. I told him I loved THEM. To a true Dru Hill fan, this is a HUGE distinction, huge because most people thought (and still, irritatingly enough, think) that Dru Hill was Sisqo. This was a big deal to us because we both knew they were a bad, and we both knew their songs. We talked about them for such a long time that day. He told me to listen to Beauty.
     Even though I pushed it off as a crush... I had fallen in love.