mother's day.

It's Mother's Day eve, and I'm thinking about my girls. I never thought I would have kids, so it's still a trip for me to know that I have two now. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Gabrielle I was a little shocked because I thought that it would take more than an exact month of trying to get pregnant, and I was a little scared to think that I would be responsible for another life, but most of all I felt happy and excited to step on this new path... motherhood. When she was born she was perfect, we had to wait for the nurse to stop cooing over her telling her how pretty she was to get our chance to look at her. Gaby made me want to be even better than I wanted to be when I got married, I knew I had to give her a good example of a strong beautiful woman inside and out, so that she could grow up and be someone that we (and within her self) could be proud of.

    Finding out I was pregnant with Dru was a totally different ball game. We had literally just walked into the door of our apartment in Germany, our first duty station in the army, 5 days before I found out. It was hard. I was happy but scared. We didn't tell anyone for a long time because one, we were pregnant with everyone and their mother at the same time, and two we wanted to just keep it to ourselves and process for a few weeks. I knew that when we joined the army (yes we, me and the girls are in this too.), we would have to deal with deployments, but when I pictured it it was a vision of me and Gaby somewhere in the states, I was in school or working, we had family come to visit often, and we made it through. Now my picture had me, alone with two kids under the age of three. I'd be lying if I said that I never had days where I wanted to break down and cry, and there were many days I did just that, especially when I got the call in the middle of february saying, "boo, we leave in december." The day Dru was born was stressful, painful, and amazing, but thats for another blog... for now i'll say this. I saw someone that equaled Gaby's beauty for the first time.  

 My heart was rocked when I saw my baby, holding my baby. That's the strongest love imaginable. Its really indescribable how I felt seeing the way Gaby looked holding Dru, it made my heart hurt with how much I loved them.





After we left things were perfect. We were a happy little family of four and I was thankful, but in the back of my head all i thought was, we have only this many months, then this many days before deployment. It really dragged me down, but it also built me up to cherish the moments that I otherwise probably would have just found to be normal parts of the day. It was kind of like a terminal cancer patient making the most of the months they have left. I wanted to do everything and put as much into those four months that I could, because I was dreading being a "single" mom.

     We're into month five of the deployment and I'm sitting here at the computer watching my girls play barbies, share pretzels, and watch Monsters Inc. together. I'm reminiscing over the memories of my journey as a mommy, and I have to say, I am so blessed. There are many days that I second guess myself, or get down because I know that in this or that situation Brandon would have been more fun, or would have handled it better because he has more patience. I get frustrated because I feel like I don't know "Marlana" anymore, just mommy or Mrs. PFC Cureton. I hate feeling like I have nothing but war and barbies to talk about. I curse the army for making me the ONE thing I never wanted to be... a mom raising her kids alone.
      
         But then I remember, I have a pretty awesome husband who is talking DAMN good care of me and our girls, I have family and friends that are a space a flight away if I need a break, and I have God to lean on for those days when I feel like everything sucks. I have a new found appreciation for single mothers, because ladies, you are awesome. I do have a husband helping me and loving me and making my life easier even when he is far away, and this shit is hard, so applause to you, and I hope someone buys you dinner or a drink (or six) for your hard work. Also, for those mothers that are deployed, I feel for you, I know that even though there are days these girls make me want to rip my freakin hair out, but spending that much time away to make their lives the best it can be, you girls are just, amazing. Sacrifice and love like that is rare, and mothers and fathers like you deserve respect and cheers. So Happy Mother's Day to everyone, and I hope that whether your family is together, separated, divorced, whatever... its a day that you can reflect and see that your kids are the reason YOU get to celebrate, so thank them for making you a mommy, love them and pamper them just as much as you expect to be, just be happy to be a mother.