Even if the storyline isn't what I expected, this is still my fairytale.

Its 9 PM Hawaii time, and both my beauties are out. They fell asleep with their daddy after a long day of shopping, eating L&L, and swimming in the salty water at the beach on Hickam AFB. Its day three of Brandon's R&R, and I can't even put into words how amazing it has been to have him here, in my favorite place in the world. It's been like heaven taking the girls to the beaches, driving around the island, shopping at Ala Moana, going to the movies and the zoo, and just getting some REAL family time in that doesn't involve a chat light or a webcam.

  I was so nervous for this trip because the girls and I did space a and that can be pretty unreliable at times, But of course, God was with us, and we arrived in Hawaii 12 hours before Brandon. After settling into the hotel, I was incapable of sleeping because my stomach was doing flips, my head was spinning, and well... it was really effing hot. People go on and on about how much a deployment changes a person, so of course, as I am standing in the baggage claim area, I am pretty much hyperventilating wondering how things are going to be when we see him. Not the way you want to start your day, at five am nonetheless.

   When I see him though, its like 7 months means nothing. Of course this is the man that I love, this is the person that I have been waiting for and praying for. My fairytale life wasn't a dream, its real and its happening, even if its not always on my terms. Seeing Gabrielle running to her daddy screaming and laughing so happily, is something I will never forget my whole life. His smile was the same, his eyes still saw right through me and made me feel at ease and excited at the same time. If I wasn't so against crying in public I would have been bawling my eyes out like I am right now.

 Its so intense to have to feel the emotions that I have to feel through all of this. The deep, swallowing pain that comes the day that he left. The never ending, always in the back of my mind, usually in the front of my mind fear that something could happen to him. The overwhelming happiness that I felt three days ago when I saw him come around that corner at the baggage claim of hawaiian airlines. We are expected to just adapt and adjust, but its hard. I go through the days without him wishing I was with him, thinking that I will spend every moment with him. He's here, and thats all that I do, I spend all day talking to him about anything and everything. When music is out that we love, Gucci over LV, what the kids like to do, things that irritate us, old times, new plans... everything. I hold his hand, when we drive, when we walk, when we are in a movie. I kiss him every chance I get.
But the night comes fast and sleep evades me. I missed so much the feel of his arms around me while we slept, and its been amazing to feel it again. Its SO hard though. To know that he has to go back, to know that in a few days my fairytale goes back to the hard part of the story and I have to be the princess waiting on her prince charming again. I hate knowing that all those feelings, all those fears, are coming back to me so soon. So I avoid it, I try not to think about it. I try to think that he will be home soon after this and we are on the downward slope now...

  How can I do that though? When in the here and now I can hear all three of my babies snoring together and laugh because even if my body would relax enough to sleep I couldn't because they are making so much noise, and then I can cry in the same instant because I know that all too soon that sound I love to hate will be gone again for another few months? Being optimistic is usually a strong suit of mine, but when it comes to this, this tsunami of emotions that the army continues to throw at us... I get really close to my breaking point. All I want to do is have fun and live in the moment, and for now that's the plan. I want to just pretend like I'm Cinderella. I'm going to have a ball until the spell breaks and hang onto the memories until my prince comes to whisk me off my feet for good.I kinda feel like this is a preview of how awesome things will be when this deployment is over. Brandon isn't different from before he left, except that he is MORE patient than he was before, which is really saying something. He is still hilarious, still the man that I confide in and can talkto about anything, he is still that guy that sings his name into any song on the radio and the most gorgeous man on the planet. So thats one anxiety that was totally pointless.

  Deployments can change people, but as long as there is strength and faith, the change can be for the good. We can hold strong to that which we love, we can learn to trust deeply and trust in God to keep us strong when the world threatens to make us weak. I hate the emotions that I am going through, that I have gone through, and that I will undoubtedly go through in the future thanks to the army constantly calling audibles in our fairytale, but thank the lord that we have a strong defense and are able to work together to take down anything that comes our way. There are some days I wish that I could be like Snow White or Sleeping Beauty, those girls had it SO easy! They got to sleep through everything, but I appreciate my prince charming so much more anticipating the butterflies that I know will come again when he comes home and takes me to our little castle of an apartment and we live happily ever after. I'm off to bed, not so much to try to sleep around the snoring, but to embrace the fact that God is giving me this moment to hear it.

aloha r&r

 The girls and I made it to the states and we are really enjoying the relaxation and comforts of being with Brandon's family. It was a long trip over this time, but so far its been worth it. The kids got a ton of new clothes, thanks in part to a storewide 12.99 and under sale at gymboree. I got them the cutest little 4th of July outfits! I cannot wait for the 4th of July. I get to spend my favorite holiday with my favorite people, my little family will be all together for Brandon's r&r and we will be celebrating on the beaches of Oahu. I can't even decribe how excited I am for the upcoming weeks because I have been looking forward to them since the day that Brandon left. The last time we were in Hawaii was for our honeymoon, I was young and so in love, spending a week on the beach with the best man in the world, being told by Brandon's grandma that I couldn't hike Diamond Head, or stay on the beach too long because it  might hurt my Gaby belly. We had so much fun and its going to be so crazy to go back with not one, but two little beauties to enjoy the sights with us.

I have a million plans that I know that we will probably not be able to do, but I can't wait to attempt them all. I want to see my babies play in the beach on waikiki and take them to the zoo. I want to para sail with brandon and go on a dinner luau. I really want to take the kids to get little nothings at the ABC stores and let them watch the guy that makes real art with spray paint and garbage. I want to fall asleep and wake up with Brandon's arms around me and take a million pictures of my husband with his daughters. I want to watch Gaby and Dru chase the little crabs into their holes on the beach like Brandon and I did on our honeymoon and watch my babies walk out on the beach at night with them.

More than anything I just want the closeness that I have been missing the last 6 months. I long for the intimacy that I have been missing, and not even just the physical type. I want to lay in bed and talk to my husband the way we do every night when he is home and talk about everything and anything, and just laugh and kiss and feel like we're the only two people in the world. I can't wait to share these moments with him that he has been missing, let him watch Gaby dance and sing and watch Dru try to walk around and them play together, and not in a picture or a video on facebook or skype. I can't wait to see him interact with them, because keeping a father like Brandon away from his kids is the worst type of torture. He is the best father that I could ever ask for for my children, and I know that he deserves more than a few school projects, pictures and videos sent to afghanistan in a tough box. Its going to be so great to celebrate Dru's birthday with him, even if its a week early, he will get to be in her pictures and see her blow out her candle (which is something we need to start working on actually).

I am dreading the day that he has to go back, almost more than the first time that he left. I hate knowing that he will be safe and happy with us, and that I have to allow him to go back there. But I have faith in God that he will be there to help us all threw the rest of this deployment and keep Brandon safe, and bring him home healthy, happy and whole as soon as possible. Some days, I sit and think about how hard it will be to let him leave and it clouds the fact that I get those precious few days to spend with him and our daughters, and I hope that I don't allow that to be in my head while he is here, because I just want to focus on the moment and enjoy him being there, in our own little paradise, together.

Putting my C flag at the top of the mountain.

 Is it really 8 pm, is it really 10 pm? Where did my day go? These are questions that I have been asking myself a LOT lately. Its nice. Conquering this deployment seemed as daunting as trying to climb Mount Everest to me in the beginning, and now, soldier man, the beauties and I are about to take our final steps to the top and break ground at the halfway point in a few days.
   Deployment seems like climbing a mountain to me so far. Its like the day you start you are looking up at this massive thing, its so big that you can't see the top, let alone the other side. At the bottom, you have a ton of people that say they are there for you, that say they will support you, and even though you feel like you couldn't possibly attempt the climb, you move forward.
  Next, you are moving along the base nicely, and there are people that lose interest in what you're doing and they kind of drop off the radar. Those aren't the people that bother me, its normal to go along with your own life, and its good. The ones that bother me, are the ones that are trying to do the climb with you, but are struggling with it. Its in this that we find people that will try to make you quit, or that will be so negative about everything that goes along with it that they aren't stopping to realize that there is good in it too, so they weigh you down.
  I went through this phase, and I could have let myself be drug down by it, but I didn't. I thought about my girls, my husband, and the end of this thing. I made some awesome new friends along this path as well. Its really nice that I have a solid group of people that don't complain about things all the time, that are willing to help me and the girls when we need company or the occasional ride until the TC finally debuts in Germany :) I love knowing that I can count on myself and other people, and Brandon can see that I have been really happy. I have so much to talk about at the end of the day now because I am out making the most of the days with the kids and taking advantage of the things that are being offered for us. We have pretty much no open days because we are out for FRG stuff, Church, or playdates and birthday or scentsy parties (since they are so numerous around here my house is full of the stuff).
  Making it past that part, was like getting a second wind. It was really nice that I had my own personal motivator (soldier man) to get me through everything, to keep me sane, to give me advise. I joke with him all the time that I am trying to start fights with him because we need to be arguing to be "normal".  It was nice to regain that strength through purging the negative out of our day to day, and we were able to get higher and higher and higher. We're to the point now that I realize that I can see the top, not only that, but we are so much stronger through the process too.
   In a few days we will be at the summit and I can say we made it halfway through, we can put the big C flag at the top of this mountain saying we made it, and we will start the decent on this deployment, and we'll probably go through all of this in reverse. People will want to be around again, we will feel like time is speeding up and slowing down and go through a ton of emotions, but once the decent is over, we will know that even though we were going at this from two different sides, we made it together, and we found out strengths that we never knew we had, found the people that we can count on, and conquered something that most of the world couldn't fathom working through.
  Also, its Memorial Day weekend, so I want to just tell all the soldiers of the past present and the future how much value they hold to our country, and how amazing they are for doing what they do, whether it be for family, country, pride, even thrill. You're sacrifices give us the freedoms that we enjoy, thank you. And to Mr. Cureton, you are, always have been, and always will be, my hero. I love you boo.

mother's day.

It's Mother's Day eve, and I'm thinking about my girls. I never thought I would have kids, so it's still a trip for me to know that I have two now. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Gabrielle I was a little shocked because I thought that it would take more than an exact month of trying to get pregnant, and I was a little scared to think that I would be responsible for another life, but most of all I felt happy and excited to step on this new path... motherhood. When she was born she was perfect, we had to wait for the nurse to stop cooing over her telling her how pretty she was to get our chance to look at her. Gaby made me want to be even better than I wanted to be when I got married, I knew I had to give her a good example of a strong beautiful woman inside and out, so that she could grow up and be someone that we (and within her self) could be proud of.

    Finding out I was pregnant with Dru was a totally different ball game. We had literally just walked into the door of our apartment in Germany, our first duty station in the army, 5 days before I found out. It was hard. I was happy but scared. We didn't tell anyone for a long time because one, we were pregnant with everyone and their mother at the same time, and two we wanted to just keep it to ourselves and process for a few weeks. I knew that when we joined the army (yes we, me and the girls are in this too.), we would have to deal with deployments, but when I pictured it it was a vision of me and Gaby somewhere in the states, I was in school or working, we had family come to visit often, and we made it through. Now my picture had me, alone with two kids under the age of three. I'd be lying if I said that I never had days where I wanted to break down and cry, and there were many days I did just that, especially when I got the call in the middle of february saying, "boo, we leave in december." The day Dru was born was stressful, painful, and amazing, but thats for another blog... for now i'll say this. I saw someone that equaled Gaby's beauty for the first time.  

 My heart was rocked when I saw my baby, holding my baby. That's the strongest love imaginable. Its really indescribable how I felt seeing the way Gaby looked holding Dru, it made my heart hurt with how much I loved them.





After we left things were perfect. We were a happy little family of four and I was thankful, but in the back of my head all i thought was, we have only this many months, then this many days before deployment. It really dragged me down, but it also built me up to cherish the moments that I otherwise probably would have just found to be normal parts of the day. It was kind of like a terminal cancer patient making the most of the months they have left. I wanted to do everything and put as much into those four months that I could, because I was dreading being a "single" mom.

     We're into month five of the deployment and I'm sitting here at the computer watching my girls play barbies, share pretzels, and watch Monsters Inc. together. I'm reminiscing over the memories of my journey as a mommy, and I have to say, I am so blessed. There are many days that I second guess myself, or get down because I know that in this or that situation Brandon would have been more fun, or would have handled it better because he has more patience. I get frustrated because I feel like I don't know "Marlana" anymore, just mommy or Mrs. PFC Cureton. I hate feeling like I have nothing but war and barbies to talk about. I curse the army for making me the ONE thing I never wanted to be... a mom raising her kids alone.
      
         But then I remember, I have a pretty awesome husband who is talking DAMN good care of me and our girls, I have family and friends that are a space a flight away if I need a break, and I have God to lean on for those days when I feel like everything sucks. I have a new found appreciation for single mothers, because ladies, you are awesome. I do have a husband helping me and loving me and making my life easier even when he is far away, and this shit is hard, so applause to you, and I hope someone buys you dinner or a drink (or six) for your hard work. Also, for those mothers that are deployed, I feel for you, I know that even though there are days these girls make me want to rip my freakin hair out, but spending that much time away to make their lives the best it can be, you girls are just, amazing. Sacrifice and love like that is rare, and mothers and fathers like you deserve respect and cheers. So Happy Mother's Day to everyone, and I hope that whether your family is together, separated, divorced, whatever... its a day that you can reflect and see that your kids are the reason YOU get to celebrate, so thank them for making you a mommy, love them and pamper them just as much as you expect to be, just be happy to be a mother.

So Sick...

   In the story of Brandon and Marlana, there are many, many more stories that I could tell between junior year and November 05, but I am not posting those. Since they involve the feelings of other people being hurt,  I'm moving along to our second "beginning".

   Brandon called mea few days before his birthday in the fall of 05. As always, we talked on the phone pretty often, but we hadn't really seen each other more than in passing because of school, work and other people. This time was different though. He was asking me out. Even though I was dating at the time, I still thought, this is a date. I put on a cute outfit, did my hair and make up, and the day of his birthday I went over to Las Margaritas and met him and his (my) family for dinner. I got to sit and eat taco's with him and his sister and his mom and just laugh and have a good time. Something I hadn't done in a really long time. This part of my life, up until that day when I turned my back against the world, was "the dark ages". I was a really bad person. Seriously. I used people, I partied a lot, I was a really mean person, I felt like I hated everyone, but most of all I hated myself. I hated who I had become. I was bitter and unhappy with where I was at in my life. I did a Kanye and became a College Dropout, but little did I know you had to have skills as a rapper to be a millionaire with no bachelors degree. Seriously though, I was just coasting along working at journeys, shrugging my shoulders about anything and everything. Going to dinner that night was like breathing after being under water for too long. I felt like my head was clear and happy that I wasn't being smothered for once.

   After dinner was over we went to watch the sunkings game. I don't remember the score, I don't remember who they played, hell I really don't even remember the weather, but I do remember laughing and smiling more than I had in months. More than that, I remember having butterflies. I mean like, damn. I couldn't keep myself from just wanting to giggle. Strait up first crush type of shit. And thats exactly what it was. This was the first guy i ever cared about. The first guy that told me he loved me, the first guy that ever met my parents. I knew again, this is it for me. And this time I didn't run from it. I embraced it with my whole heart. I was fucking scared. I'd never let myself fall before, and I couldn't stand the thought of this guy, this perfect for me in every way guy, hurting me. I also couldn't stand the thought of me hurting him. That night I drove for some reason, and he put in a cd that he brought from his car, it had Ne-Yo So Sick playing on it, and I was really feeling that song hard, because I was so sick of the way things were going, and he had just ended something on his end, it seemed like a weird "beginning" song for us, but the ends of or other things in life that were making us so sick of everything helped us to begin again strong.

   I made a lot of changes and cuts in my life in the following weeks, and it was like a cancer patient going through surgery and chemo, I came out clean and with a new outlook on life. Seriously. I found myself having hopes and dreams and goals again, and looking forward to the future. I wish I could say that I did all that on my own, but I didn't. I mean deep down, I knew I was capable of being the person that I broke free of the BS to become, but he brought it out, and I love him unconditionally and eternally for that.

Stupid Stinky Deployment!!!

Its been a  while since I blogged. I have been a busy busy woman, but the last two weeks its mainly been because of a sick little gaby girl. Dru throw up, I can handle... Gaby throw up, not so much. I have had to do things the last few weeks that I never ever wanted to do. I had to hold my baby down and let a doctor give her a shot, and I had to hold her down while she got blood drawn. Hardest. Thing. Ever. It goes without saying that everyday gets harder and easier at the same time, but its days like those that I literally ache with how much I miss Brandon. He is the big strong soldier man, he can handle stuff like that not me. A lot of times it feels like I do thinks only because I have to, with tears in my eyes or a crappy mood, but I do it. I do it because my kids need me, I do it because I want Brandon to know that I can handle the shit that the deployment throws at us, and that has to be good enough, because damn it, there are some days that I just don't want to change another effing diaper, or that I don't want to get up in the middle of the night because Gaby needs tylenol. Mainly it's just knowing that if Brandon was home I would have help, support, and some one to help make the days and nights better. Knowing that if a day is good, it could have been better had he bee there, or that a long night would have been easier if I could have him wrap his arms around me and kiss me back to sleep. The deployment is hitting me hard lately and I know that most women hit a low point around the four month mark which, tada, is right where we are at. its like yeah we made it four months... but we have so long to go. I have to struggle with my inner spoiled rotten wife and not throw a tantrum some days because all I want Brandon to do is pay attention to me, not play stupid poker or wwe 2011 with his friends. Luckily for both of us the deployment is teaching me some patience and understanding, because I know that he needs that time with his friends to wind down after the long days that they have to deal with, and that he always skype kisses me and the girls good night, so I know I have it really good, and I know he deserves a break. All I want to do is just have him home. I want to touch his face and kiss his lips and fall asleep in his arms, whoever said that body pillows help, you're a liar!!! Some days I wake up and force myself out of bed and to the gym, or to PWOC, some days I am up before the sun and just ready to knock another day off this seemingly never ending calender on my wall, but either way, the day passes, and we are one day closer to him being home, and to looking back on these days and thanking God for the growth and strength that he has given us through this experience. I am so thankful to have been blessed with a husband that makes this process as easy as it can be, that communicates with me, and that keeps a smile on my face whether its through a silly comment, a skype conversation, or one of our many unforgettable memories. I guess the point of this blog is that I'm strong because I have to be, but I am in love because with brandon its as easy as breathing. I can make it through the hard days because I have God, my family, memories, and the knowledge that when Brandon gets home, I have so much to look forward to.

back at it

it's been a few days since my last post, for the awesome reason that I have been way too tired for keeping so busy that I just want to sleep!! I have been really active in the community lately, trying to get involved with the FRG and getting out and meeting people, going to every event the base has to offer. Let me just say this, it is amazing home fast you meet people and how fast the day passes when you don't get home until 5 and you wonder where the day went. I hit the gym last week and I have been going ever since. Can I just shout from the rooftops how much I missed running, classes, and the sauna?? Give me three weeks and I am positive that I will be ready to step out on Waikiki beach with Brandon on his R&R in a bikini and have people wonder how we adopted kids that look so much like us (or since they look like brandon they will think he traded his wife in for a sexy new woman!) . I feel like I have been going a thousand miles an hour, but its been nice because I NEED this, I need to get out I need to make this deployment go by fast and I need to remember what its like to be Marlana, to have things to talk about other than diapers and potty training. I love sitting down at the computer to skype with my super soldier and having just as much to talk about as he does, instead of hoping that I am interesting to him. Its nice. I am going to start blogging every night or so again too so that I can actually have something worth checking out every couple days rather than every couple weeks!