These are the Times We all Wish for...

Fast forward. Its Homecoming time at Davis High School, Brandon and I are sophomores, and we are not really boyfriend and girlfriend, because we hadn't "asked" each other yet. Its a cold night at Zaepfel Staduim (yes I googled it, its been six years!!), and despite me and my girls best cheering efforts, our beloved Davis Pirates lost the game. As Renisha and I are walking off the track, so is he. It was pretty much an every weekend thing that I stayed the night at her house since she lived right across the street from the stadium, so she tells me that I can give him her number so we can talk on the phone while I am there. I must have been the worst guest ever that night because I stayed on the phone with him the WHOLE night, well almost. It still cracks me up to remember Renisha's mom come out and tell me to get off her phone that late... in her defense, it was almost four am. But before we hung up, he asked me to Homecoming, and of course, I said yes.
   It was our first date, finally. We decided to go with a really pretty maroon color, and I got myself a dress that was pretty and fitted. The girls and I got our eyebrows waxed for the first time ever, and I finally learned the meaning of pain is beauty. I wanted to look more than pretty though, I wanted to look gorgeous, I wanted him to never forget our first date. The morning of the dance I was so pathetically giddy. I bragged to the nail lady, who probably couldn't even understand me, about my date that night, smiling the whole time. The girl that did my makeup got the same story, but she wasn't that much older than me so she was just as chatty, and when she asked me if I liked him, I said, more than anyone else in the world. And I put my head down and smiled. My mom drove me home, I put the dress on and we did my hair. I was perfect. I was also perfectly nervous. I played some 007 on the Nintendo 64, because killing your little brother with the golden gun and making him cry is always a good way to settle your nerves. When he knocked my heart was beating a million miles an hour, and I made my mom open the door.
   He looked amazing. Fresh haircut, his red matched that of my dress perfect, he had a pretty little corsage for my hand and he was smiling MY smile, the one that makes me smile just seeing it. We took pictures and my parents met his dad for the first time. Then we had Chinese food.  I think we were both nervous because it was the first time that we had spent time really alone outside of the courtyard, but after a few minutes, we were talking about everything, from the homecoming game, to homework, to how good we both looked. We were young, and a little shallow, but it was perfect. At the dance we danced all night, he didn't dance with anyone but me and I loved it, because he wanted to give me and only me all of his attention. He got my drinks, he spun me around the dance floor, he sung along to the songs, and I just could not imagine that anyone there wouldn't have been jealous, because I just knew that no one was happier than me that night.
  After we left, he had his dad take me home, and always the gentleman, he walked me to my door, and kissed my cheek. I swear it burned into me. That was the first night I stayed up all night thinking of a boy.

walks by me everyday... her and love are the same.

     This blog begins in September of 2000. In quite possibly, the worst place in the world... Math class. Mr. Rau's pre-algebra class was pretty much my least favorite place to be, due to the fact that I loathe the subject entirely. Even as a 14 year old kid I knew that I didn't care to work with numbers... thats what accountants are for right? Well, for this reason, I hardly ever went to class, and if I was, I was late. I had the best friend a carefree girl could have. Renisha Allen. She talked some sense into my ass, telling me the obvious. If I didn't pay attention and get my shit together, I would get awful grades, not graduate, and pretty much never amount to anything. So, I started going to class, paying attention, doing my work.
       And I noticed him. Not that I hadn't noticed him before, because I had. I noticed his hair. Oh GOD all that hair lol. I remember thinking, why the hell is his hair orange? I noticed his clothes too, another eww. Thank the Lord he got comfortable with himself and started dressing the way he does now. I remember the first thing he said to me, you might be thinking, awwww... don't. He was so rude! It was, and I quote "why are you always late, why do you even bother coming?" and I thought... Why do you even care? But then I saw him smile. All these years later, I still remember the way that his teeth glinted in that crappy light, the way his cheeks made his eyes squint. And then I noticed his eyes. They were so pretty. His eyelashes were so long and black, and his eyes were so brown, so dark brown, but they shined.
      I thought he was beautiful. We would talk, chit chat, nothing more really, just small talk, just so that I could make him smile, I loved seeing it so much. Then one day it happened. It was customary back in the day to bring your CD player to school, since, you know, we didn't have iPods yet.  I asked him what he was listening to, and he said Dru Hill. I told him I loved THEM. To a true Dru Hill fan, this is a HUGE distinction, huge because most people thought (and still, irritatingly enough, think) that Dru Hill was Sisqo. This was a big deal to us because we both knew they were a bad, and we both knew their songs. We talked about them for such a long time that day. He told me to listen to Beauty.
     Even though I pushed it off as a crush... I had fallen in love.

It's not strength, what I have.

I have a lot of people that are telling me that they admire my strength, or that they are proud of me for getting through this deployment and taking care of the girls so well, and while its flattering, and it definitely makes me feel stronger than I am, I don't think that me handling this is because I am strong. I have seen many women that I would consider stronger than me go through deployments and some made it and some didn't. Some people are better equipped to deal with the stress and the emotions that I am too. I am making it, and I am GOING to make it, because my husband is something I cannot live without. Maybe that is my strength, my love, but thats really all that I can say that I know is my light through this. I love Brandon. Truly, unconditionally, and completely. I can't see a day where I would want to be without him. I can't imagine looking into the eyes of anyone else while I am going through labor, I can't imagine someone else having their arms around me while I sleep at night, I can't imagine going through life, watching my daughters grow hand in hand with any one, but him. I know in my heart and in my head that a year without him is better than a hundred with someone that could never be to me what he is. I would, quite literally, wait forever for this man, if it meant that I could have him back with me. I am so in love that a skype chat keeps me warm at night, and a facebook message keeps a smile on my face all day. I honestly feel like this deployment is going to last forever some days, and I have to admit, i get overwhelmed with how much I miss him. But that just further lets me know that we belong together, and that waiting this small portion of forever for him to come home is totally worth the sadness, frustration, and loneliness that I have, and will encounter through this process. My love is the strongest part of me, its like a muscle that I constantly flex, because I am so proud and happy with the results of the hard work and dedication that Brandon and I have put into it. So it might not be strength, but its more than enough.

is this a midlife crisis?

I just turned 25... I feel younger and older than that at the same time if thats even possible. I feel like I am younger than that because I still feel like I want a lot of the same things that I wanted in high school. I still want to go to the beach in the summer time, I still want to go out with my friends and have a drink every now and then, I still want to graduate from college with a bachelors and make millions my first year out. I feel older than that because I have a lot of responsibility. I am a wife and a mother of two. I know that I have to show some restraint and take care of the priorities in my life before I go out with my friends. I know that most jobs that I make are most definitely not going to make me millions (although for the price of college nowadays they most definitely should!). I have a lot of goals that I still want to accomplish. Which I think no matter the age people should have goals to help them stay young. I don't believe in settling either, which means that this army life is a little bit of a hard pill to swallow, because it FORCES you to swallow your pride at times and settle. I have to settle for going to a school that I don't really care to go to, I have to settle for living in the projects known as Smith Barracks in the middle of brown cow and windmill country Germany, I have to settle for living a year without the man that makes me smile. That being said, I am trying to one up the army and see things cup half full or whatever analogy suits you best and see the good in things. I am going to find myself a good cooking school, so I can learn to do my favorite thing, and so that I can get a degree too teach other army wives and cater events for people. That way, I can make a ton of money, work from home, finish my communications degree at the same time, and someday at least make one of those millions, I can dream right? I can live with smith barracks too, because I have a lot of awesome friends living with me here, and hey its only a matter of time before we move into a real house. PCSing brings new things, and I am so ready for them. As for Germany, I am in the middle of Europe!! I plan to travel, travel, travel... with friends and family. get my fill of things I would never otherwise see (umm hello paris, rome, venice, greece?). As for the taking my super soldier part... that one is really hard to be positive about but I do try. I know he is doing this for us, and that he believes in what he is doing, so that helps a lot, and knowing that God will see us through will help me through the rest. The skype dates keep things fresh, I love to see him and make him smile, our communication level will be untouchable after this, and I will be able to do the things I need to do to better myself educationally while he is gone to be an even better wife than I am now. It's like although I owe the army a middle finger for the pain and frustration it gives me, I owe it a hug too for helping us grow. Maybe this is less of a midlife crisis and more of a growing moment, maybe its less being 25 and more being alone with my thoughts for too long. I just want to accomplish goals and be a good wife and mother, so I guess thats not too bad...

Keeping Busy In January!

So I am trying to do everything I can to make my days go by faster. I am thinking of goals or projects to do for each month, because if I give myself one whole month to do something big, either I am going to not have enough time to do it the way I really want to so it will have to spill into the next, or I will have a lot of met goals that have really ridiculous attention to detail! Either way its a win for me, and essentially for my family. I have decided that January will be my cookbook making month. One of my to do's for when Brandon gets home is to have a half a million (maybe not that many but, you know.) recipes so that I'm not making the same awesome but repetitive meals every week. I think that I will try to put at least two a day into my book, like maybe a dessert and a supper! Since Brandon is really big on being, and staying healthy once this deployment is over I think that I will try to find the meals that will help to keep us healthiest, and the ones that can't we can work out at the gym, or at home, whichever ;) Gym time is a must all through this deployment and after, so bring on the taste testing. I am going to start my scrapbook cookbook off right by watching Julie and Julia. SUCH a girlie movie, and I usually am not one for the chick flicks, but this one is pretty awesome... it "spoke to me" because I too love to cook, and I too have no idea where my life is going or what exactly to do with it, especially since choosing to love my super soldier has me moving not just across the country but across the world. Anyways, the main character decides to do all the recipes in the cookbook and finds herself along the way. So here's to a new cookbook for new meals for my family! Don't expect any german cuisine though, I am not one for pork, and it seems that they love to kill pigs for food. Now if I could make a turkish wrap, we'd be good! I am actually really excited to go get the stuff to make my scrapbook cookbook and get this started!