Ringing in yet another New Year

2011 is upon us here in Germany, and I for one am ready for tonight to be over. I have to admit that my optimism is at a low tonight reading everyone's facebook updates about their plans with their friends and families, and especially their husbands, but all the same I am happy for everyone that is getting their time with their loved ones, and really hoping that they are not taking their time together for granted. Don't get me wrong, although I am not in the partying mood, I am all for ringing in the new year. Although the end of this deployment isn't looking as close as I had anticipated and hoped with the dropping of the ball fast approaching, I am able to see past the hurt that I have been trying to numb myself to and try to see the good in it. Its already been a month, and we haven't really been doing much other than hanging out at home, so I am just wrapping my mind around how much faster the time will go once we can get out and about and start to enjoy our days a little more. I can imagine that our super soldier will be much happier hearing about our day when it includes more than waking up and eating breakfast. I am looking forward to getting back to the gym, because that is what helped me the most when he was at basic and AIT. I am excited to see how quickly I can get back into shape, and even more excited for when the weather is nice enough for me to be able to go take a real RUN. First I need to get the ipod fixed, anyone that knows me and my love for music knows that I made a HUGE sacrifice letting Brandon take my ipod to douchebagistan with him, leaving me with no jogging companion ;). I am looking Forward to little things to make the time pass, like planning Gaby's big three, making the little holidays fun for the girls and Brandon (I'm pretty sure all the extra money around here is going to care packages). Although a lot of sympathy is being sent our way for getting a REALLY late R&R it doesn't really bother me. We will be so close to the end that it will just make it easier for us to let him go back knowing there are going to be single digit weeks left until he gets home, and that will just give me enough time to get the kids and house ready to welcome daddy home for good and celebrate all the holidays next year, which will be so amazing after knowing what its like to NOT have him here, it will make us appreciate him even more than we actually do. I am also looking forward to making a few trips back to the states to visit the family and friends that mean so much to us and our girls. 2011 is going to more than likely be one of the hardest years of my life, but I am willing to go head to head with my fears, knowing that I have God, trust, faith, hope, and love on my side and make this year as good as it can be for the sake of my family. I am thankful for all that I have in my life and taking nothing for granted, so here's to the new year, and it passing in a way so that I miss nothing and forget nothing, but so that it also passes with ease and quickness, so that next year I won't have time for blogging, because I will be busy entertaining friends, family, and kissing my soldier and girls when the ball drops. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

Twas the night before Christmas

Its Christmas Eve, but it doesn't feel like it. We let the girls open their gifts last night because you never know how well skype is going to work. They are loving their gifts, especially the piano. It has been a really long day. I keep thinking about all the things I would be doing if Brandon were here. I'd be putting the finishing touches on some holiday desserts, helping him wrap some last minute gifts (because he always gets too much for the kids), and probably listening to Christmas music. I didn't even download any this year because you may as well call me the Grinch. Its hard knowing that they have him there, knowing that I need him here so much more. I would love to have the help with putting the kids to bed, and just being able to fall asleep with my feet on his lap while he plays yet another season of madden. I keep telling myself that next year will be better, because he will be home for Christmas next year, and even though this is Dru's first, she will actually be excited and into it next year. I already have so many plans and its helping a lot to make me get through this. New recipes for food and gift ideas are racking up because I want to give Brandon and the girls the best day ever. I am glad to say that I am 100% sure that I am not as selfish as I used to be. I know this because I am not even a little bit jealous of the people that have their husbands home, in fact I am so happy for them to have this time together, especially knowing that the majority of my military friends will not have their husbands home next year, and I will get to be the one to be a shoulder to lean on for support, so that I can pay it forward what has been done for me with kind words and friendship. I also try to just remember that A Christmas with Brandon in afghanistan, is better than a Christmas with anyone other than him. My husband truly is a hero. As much as I have conflicting feelings about this war, its really pacifying to hear him talk about building schools and teaching the ANA new and useful things, because knowing he is proud of the job he is doing, makes me feel like we are doing this for something, and it also makes me that much more proud to be his wife. My daughters have a father that will do anything for their happiness, and I have a husband that loves me unconditionally despite time and distance. Its hard to be away from him at a time when I really wish he were here to celebrate with us, but I just have to continue to take this one day at a time and know that God will bring him home to us, so we can be complete again. I am so thankful for the family and friends that I have in my life that are there spiritually and emotionally for my girls and me. Its refreshing to know that if I have an off day people will help us through. I would love to have been able to bring my girls to see their extended families for the holidays, but I am still glad that through the distance everyone is reaching out to us and making sure that we know that we're in their thoughts. Its Christmas time, and although my husband is far away, we still have much to be thankful for. God is good, and I am truly blessed.

not to exceed 365 days, or until mission completed.

This whole deployment thing has really tested my patience, my strength, and my emotions, but it has never once tested my love, or my feelings for my husband, neither will it do so, or my faithfulness. I hear a lot of stories about women that are bitter and spiteful towards their husbands because they feel like the left them. These soldiers leave because their orders say to, not because they are climbing over one another trying to race to the front of the line to be deployed. Some guys live for the front line, but I am willing to bet that 9 times out of 10 these guys only turn that on when they are gone. For the most part, they want to be home with their families, watching their kids grow, keeping their wives up at night or finding themselves late for P.T. courtesy of you. We will never know what its like to be in Afghanistan, and they will never know what its like to be at home with 1,2,3, or more kids alone, trying to make the day work, trying to keep it together when we feel like falling apart, trying to be "Army Strong" for our soldiers. But we couldn't know the feeling of seeing a humvee come back with damage from barely missing an IED, or having to put someones boots with their weapon and id tags, and be sad that that person is gone but glad that its not us. We have to be weary of one another's feelings. I hate the saying "don't sweat the small stuff", because really we should be. Have you ever seen a snowball? It starts our small, but if you roll more stuff up into it it gets so big that pretty soon you can't control it anymore. SO sweat the small stuff, if you need something from him tell him, don't NAG him, because chances are he is so caught up in staying safe that he isn't even noticing what you're upset about. Plus, no one can read a mind, especially over facebook or skype, so tell him. And if he needs something from you, do it. I mean really, is he asking too much if he asks you to stay in most nights because he needs to know your safe? My husband is out there putting his own LIFE on the line for me, that is a sacrifice that hardly anyone is willing to make. Its a damn shame if I'm not willing to do the things he asks me to do so that he is comfortable over there and able to keep his mind on what needs to be done to come home safe to me and our babies. Whats a year without barhopping every weekend, and sleeping with the kids, in return for a long happy life together. Brandon said it best before he left. If we can take advantage of all that they offer families during deployment, be able to communicate better than any other couple, and then spend the next 100 years not having to be apart again, whats one year? Its long, its tough, but its not going to take the love I have for my husband down even a little bit, in fact, I think I'll love him more, if its even possible. In the word's of my main man Usher, " i feel like it's our first time everytime we get together, baby loving you feels better than everything, anything. Put on my heart you don't need a ring, and i promise our time away won't change my love."

the worst day ever.

Yesterday was quite possibly, the worst day of my life. I had to drop Brandon off at his company, so that he can leave us for a year to go to Afghanistan. It took all the strength I had in my mind, body and soul to take him there, kiss him goodbye, and leave. Gabrielle was upset because she knows that when daddy packs up all of his bags it means that he is getting ready to be gone for longer than just a CQ shift. Dru, she has no idea what is going on yet, because she is still s young. I dont know how to think or act. Its like some one took the sun out of my solar system. My head is stuffy and heavy from  crying so many tears and I just want to stay in bed, or have some one put my life on fast forward until he gets home. But I can't do that. I have my babies to look after, so hen I want to fall apart I can't because it would scare them. I can't just hit the FF button either because for one, its not real, and for two, who would be there to take the photos and videos of all that he is going to miss over the next 12 months? I have never had so many irrational thoughts in one 24 hour period either. I don't want to wash his clothes or the sheets because it will take his smell out of them, I don't want to wash the dishes that he made our last breakfast together, I don't want to mop the boot marks off of our floor because that shows me he was here. Irrational? maybe. But  I need to be able to feel him even if he is gone, I need to know that he is real, and that he is coming back to me. I have never felt pain like what I felt last night to step into my house and know that he won't be back until leave time comes around. I can't help but be mad about leave either. Two weeks? you're telling me that for two weeks I get to see my husband, and thats all for a whole year? Its a joke. Telling women and children to be Army Strong is just an excuse that the army makes to help themselves sleep at night knowing that they are tearing a family apart for a year and expecting them to put the pieces of their lives back together after their faith, hope and love have been beaten into submission. Yet I know that we will prevail in this, just like we have every other obstacle that has been thrown our way. This is one of those, God isn't stopping the storm, so he is being my umbrella situations. I wish I was as strong as Brandon, he knows that everything is going to be ok, he just knows it, not only that but he believes in me and thinks that I can be strong enough to make it through this. I don't know how I got so lucky to have some one that makes me so complete, and that makes me stronger and better, but I am holding on with him with both hands, for always. This is going to be the hardest year of my life. I am hoping that through the pain and fear, our love will grow even stronger, that we will grow closer through the distance, that our family can thrive where others fail. God give me the strength, and bring my husband home safe and happy where he belongs. Sooner, rather than later.

something I don't usually do

      So, I decided that today I am going to do something that I normally don't do, and just blog about things that I normally keep to myself. I feel like my life is going a thousand miles an hour right now. My Gaby girl just had her first day of pre-school and she loved it. Dru baby is going to be two months old in a few more days. Its already September. The end of the year is usually my favorite time of year. It reminds me of falling leaves, crisp weather, driving to school in a Scion TC with Brandon, Holidays, and looking to the future with hope and happiness. 
       This year is a little different for me though because this year I have to worry about my husband possibly being deployed. I have never been more scared of anything in my life. I don't talk to people about it, because I can't stand talking about it, thinking about it, dreaming about it, anymore than I already do. I think the thing I hate the most, and the main reason that I don't talk about it is that most people have no idea what its like to hear the words, "I'm going to be deployed". How your heart stops and you have to think about every holiday and milestone he is going to miss with me and the kids, how every day I will be waiting by the phone for that call, just to know that he is safe, how every time some one knocks on the door my heart will stop, until I know its not the chaplain standing on the other side. 
       If I hear one more person tell me it will go by fast I think I might lose my mind. I mean really, how fast would time go by if it was your husband leaving for 12 months? I'm worried about my kids, and how it will affect them, because kids know so much more than most people give them credit for. Dru will only know her daddy by a skype video. I feel like we are going to lose a whole year of our lives, for a war that I can't honestly say that I support. My family is not a car drive away, it takes no less than ten hours on an airplane to get home and that is the only way that I can get there. I can't help my sister plan her wedding unless we manage to find a time within the nine hour time zone difference when we are both not busy doing something. I can't talk to Brandon about it, because he is infinitely more mature about the situation than me. I want to ball my hands up in fists and kick and hit the floor and say no,no,no!!! and he is able to be positive and try to make the best of it, and I can't stand to hurt his feelings or make him mad with my mood, because I can't imagine fighting with him, i want to spend all of our time being happy and pretending that everything is always going to be normal, he'll always be home at five, kiss me goodnight. It's hard to hold to these sweet little dreams though when your required to make a will and go over life insurance at the age of 24, not because its a good idea if a freak accident happens and he's hurt or killed, but because if your job is to go to war, your life is just collateral damage. I never thought I'd see the day that I'd rather have my husband fall out of love with me because he was away for too long, than for him to never go home. 
     I think the main reason that I am able to not just sit around and cry and complain is because I have an amazing family and friends. I trust my husband completely with all of my heart. I have two amazing little girls to watch and record growing. Mainly, its that I know that the majority of my fears are based in my mind getting the best of me. Things are always going to grow and change, and there are going to be things that I don't like, but the fact of the matter is, its not going to change that they happen. So I can either be negative and cry about it, or be positive and do what I can to get through it with the help of God, my family and friends. 
     Thankfully I am intelligent enough to choose happiness.
 

its our anniversary

Today I'm sitting here thinking about my third anniversary that is coming up on wednesday. As i sit back and think of the transition that Brandon and I have made from carefree school kids to responsible adults, its a little overwhelming. I know a lot of people that will tell you that there is a honeymoon stage to marriage and relationships, but I think that maybe that is for those couples that have to work to be together. Being with Brandon for me is like breathing because its so natural, its like its where I am supposed to be. Better yet, I would say he is like my sun, because once I looked at him, I was blinded to everything else, and even when his light isn't around, and I can see outside of him, they could never be bright enough to keep me warm, healthy, happy and thats what he does. I think that quite the opposite of a honeymoon effect is what he has one me, because I find more and more things that I love about him all the time, and it just wraps me even tighter around his finger, but I really don't care, because I love being saturated in this feeling of permanent giddiness and immeasurable happiness that being with him brings to me. Reminiscing on the day, well night, he asked me to marry him, is something that I do more than I'd like to admit ;) he took me to Zeaphel Staduim, to the same place I gave him my phone number for the first time, and I was so excited that I didn't even let him finish his little speech that he had planned for me, and thats how I always am with him, just like a little kid, that can't contain my excitement, its ridiculous! On my wedding day, and leading up to that day, I never once felt a feeling of loss at my "single days", never got cold feet... all I could think about was that I had to remember to walk, not run, down the isle to him, and that I had never been happier. A lot has happened since that day, we had our beautiful little Gabrielle, went back to school, felt the strain of an unsteady economy and became an army family, and had our Dru. As I do a little flashback, I can't help but be amazed by this man, who time and time again, has proven his love and dedication to me and this beautiful little family we have been blessed with. There have been a few hard times, but God has been GREAT to us and we have had a thousand good times for every one of those bad times, so they seem like grainy recollections that may just be figments of my imagination. I can't even put into words how much I am blessed to be married to this man. He made me a better person, a happier person, and has helped me to see that faith, hope and love overcome everything. I love his optimism, how he sees at least one good thing in almost everything and everyone. Its overwhelming to me at times to see how loved I am, because to have some one that is willing to do anything and everything to make my life perfect, that's something that I've never been offered by any person outside of my mother, and I can honestly say that its something that used to terrify me, because until him I never knew what it was like to put some one before myself, and thats what he has always done for me, and its what I do for him, and what we do for our girls. Brandon Cureton, for you I gave my heart and turned my back against the world, you're the love of my life, and I love being your wife, and here's to decades more of very very happy anniversaries, I love you, more than I could ever put into words.

Dru Kekeli Cureton

Here is our Dru baby! After 12 hours of labor (well about two weeks of labor if we're really counting, but i digress!!) and an epidural that didn't work, she finally arrived for us to love and cherish. She is such a different baby from Gaby! At 8 lbs 1 oz and 19.9 inches, she was definitely bigger! She has her own little personality, and is a squeaky little crier, and she loves to cry.. all day and all night, as much as she can ;) It's a little tiring, but God has blessed us with another beautiful strong little girl and I wouldn't give her up for all the treasures in the world. Its been three weeks already and I just don't even know where the time has gone.. I keep listening to that song, It Won't Be Like This For Long, and it makes me so sad, but it makes me cherish even these sleepless nights, because they really will only dwell in my memories soon enough, and soon enough, she will be walking and talking and another little miss independent, and I will miss the days that she falls asleep to me rocking her around the bedroom on my chest, singing Usher, Dru Hill, and Ne-Yo to her praying that she will go to bed so I can get just a little sleep. I love my Dru baby!!

yes, I can be reclusive.

Have you ever had a day where you just feel like turning off the phone and the chat option on the computer and just not talking to anyone? I do. I have them a lot actually. I admit to avoiding company at times. There are days when I yearn for company, and then I get it, and all I want to do is get back to being alone. I know it sounds weird, but a lot of the time I feel like I'm not really understood by anyone, and I just don't have the patience to sit it out and explain my thoughts and feelings. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my friends, and I love my family. I love spending time with people and making memories, and feeling like I have a bond with people. I just feel like I am in the middle of two different worlds sometimes and I almost always have about a million things going through my head. Unlike a lot of people I don't like to talk about it. If I have an issue with something I tend to work it out between God and I, instead of reaching out to others for help and guidance. I prefer to hang out with people when I am in a good mood, when I am having fun and happy. Its strange because people tell me a lot that they like to talk to me because I know just what to say, or that I give good advise, and I really do like knowing that I can be that go to person that is helpful to my friends and family, its just that for me, I hate to be a burden on people, I hate to bring down the mood, I feel that being positive in situations tends to be better than being negative in the same situations, so when I have a fall back moment and I get down on something or I just wanna be a crybaby about something, I tend to want to be alone with my thoughts and work it out so that I am not bringing people down with me. I know it sounds kind of silly, because most people like to feel like they have support and help around them all the time. I know that I have that in the people that I have surrounded myself with, and I am so grateful, but lets just say I don't wan to take advantage of it. I have come across so many people in my life that want and need the attention that I shun during the down times, and then in the same situation, when I just needed to vent, told me to just get over it and that I am not the only one that has gone through this and on and on, so I guess thats another reason for me to just want to be alone in my thoughts. So if there is a day when I don't answer the phone, or i don't answer on chat... its not because I don't like you, or I don't wan to be friends anymore. Honestly its probably just because I am playing with gaby or just because I need my time to just reflect and center. I truly am a happy and loving person, I just need space like anyone else sometimes. I guess I can be reclusive at times, but lets face it, I have a lot to deal with in this life of mine. Do I need to open up more? Maybe. i guess that would help with the whole, feeling misunderstood thing... but on the other hand, I like knowing that the times that I do open up, i have a few really amazing people that are actually listening and willing to clarify and help when I truly need their time and input. Hopefully this one explains why I can go from one end to the other on the social spectrum ;)

people want to know

So when we found out that we were having Dru, we waited a good, 8 weeks to tell people. I know a lot of people were wondering why, and there are actually quite a few reasons. This first is pretty simple, there are like 20 other people that we know that are having kids within three months of us, so we just didn't want to get classified as just another pregnant family! Also, that being said, we were willing to wait to share our news, so that others could share theirs without having to share the spotlight. Another reason is that, well, we wanted to be selfish! We wanted to share it with each other and just kind of celebrate as a little family that we were going to be making three, four. One thing that cracks me up is people thinking that we were not telling people because we weren't happy, or that we didn't want her. Dru has been wanted since day one, even if she wasn't planned. But honestly, to me, the thought of having another baby scared me to death. I mean, we are living in a different country for heavens sake. Its just the four of us, and no family. We are an army family, and some people seem to forget what that means. It means that in a twelve month period, we are lucky.. LUCKY... if Brandon is home for 9 months out of the year because of training and all that. in a bad year, well, he could be deployed and we could spend the whole year without him. I am about to embark on something that goes even further into what I never expected to do in life than I have already had to deal with. Its easy to look at a dad and just write the guy off for missing a year in the lives of his kids because he walks out on you and them. Its excruciating to look a year alone in the face because your husband is a soldier and he HAS to leave, not because he wants to not because its a way out, but because its his job. Can you imagine being Brandon right know? Knowing that he isn't going to be a constant presence in the lives of his girls, unless its through webcam if the option is available? Our lives are so topsy turvy all the time, and the only thing that's constant is change. So yeah I was a little bit scared, when I found out Dru was coming, who wouldn't be? Right after she arrives we have to say goodbye to daddy for at least 4 weeks because he has training, and then we just have to hope that a deployment doesn't solidify in the near future, amidst all the rumors swirling around.  My question is, how many women do you know that give birth, and then are expected to take care of two children without the help of the father or family, not many right?? This is just something that we have to try to come to terms with everyday, and try to live in the moment so that the time that we do get, is good time, and time that when those separations do arrive, we can look back on and remember so that we have something to hold onto when the loneliness threatens to overtake us. I guess this blog isn't exactly one that is "happy" or upbeat, but maybe it will give some insight to our lives, and why we make some of the choices that we make, and maybe, just maybe, some understanding.

Miss Gaby

Gabrielle Marley Cureton 02/27/08
This is my baby. She's not really a baby anymore, not at all. This little girl took off from day one, the nurses were all singing her praises because she was a newborn already holding up her own head and holding her paci. I have been completely overwhelmed by her since her birth. I think it might be a mom thing, but I just think that she is the mot amazing kid in the world. I was so scared to take her home because I just didn't want to do anything to take away from what she was at the hospital, she was perfect. I didn't want to corrupt her in any way, or allow her to feel any pain, I just wanted to keep her safe and sheltered and I could not believe that they were letting me and Brandon take her home... didn't they know we had never been alone with a newborn?!?! Looking back now I laugh because mothering came so easily to me, breastfeeding.. not so much, but mothering yes. She taught me more in the last two years than I think I've learned my whole life. She taught me that sometimes all you need is a nap or someone to make you laugh when you feel like crying, and if that doesn't work, well eating usually does the trick ;) When Brandon left, she was my little angel. She held me when I would cry, she played with me when I couldn't find the motivation to do anything, she showed me that making the best of a situation is far better than dwelling on things you can't change. I want my little girl to know how much I love her, and I tell her all the time. She can be the biggest brat in the whole world, throw fits, whine, and then she comes and tells me she loves me and I realize that she is growing, learning, changing, and that I am so lucky to be the one to share that with her because I get to do my best to try to meet that goal I had in the hospital of keeping her as close to perfect as possible. Parents are a childs first insight into the world and how it works, and she helps me to keep my head up and be a better person, to fight the battles that need to be fought and stand up for my beliefs, to be respectful and kind to others, to talk to people instead of talking about people, to judge based on character rather than looks. Because what it comes down to, is that kids love to be like their parents, and I don't want my daughter to look up to me if I am not at my best. I love that she looks just like her daddy, that they yawn the same, and that they smile the same. I love that she laughs in her sleep and that she hates getting her hair done, even if it looks soo pretty! I love how her k's sound like ch's and that she learns new words all the time. She is so smart and I can't imagine life without her! My baby really isn't a baby anymore, but thats ok, because she is going to be an amazing woman!

Cureton Company

Brandon and Marlana. Its funny even when I write I put him first. He is amazing, never ceases to amaze me. I remember meeting him, all those years ago, and thinking he had the prettiest smile that I had ever seen. And he was NOSY! lol he was always asking me questions and trying to see what I had playing on my CD player (oh yes, it was back in the time of CD players!) Thank GOD for Renisha, because between me not thinking a girl should make a move on a guy, and Brandon being so shy, we never would have gotten past talking in class. I remember her mom yelled at me to get off her phone after that first night of talking after i gave him her number to call me after that football game. We talked for hours, about everything and nothing, and I never ever once got bored or tired, and can you believe it, all these years later, I still never tire of hearing what he has to say to me. I went out with him for his birthday way back in 05, and on that night I think we both got sick of the back and forth and being friends or just a little more, because ever since then we have been joined at the hip. Harry Potter 3, you will always be my favorite Harry Potter movie :D His love has always scared me, because its pure, and honest, and of course, the most powerful thing I have EVER experienced. He asked me to marry him the same place he got the phone number that started our all night conversations, and of course, right there at zeaphel stadium, i acted like a giddy cheerleader once again and said yes before he had a chance to even finish the speech he had prepared for me. On September 1, 2007 I swore to the world what I had known since listening to Dru Hill CDs in Mr. Rau's pre algebra class... that I was his, and forever. Right around the corner, while winter was steadily turning to spring, fashionably late of course, came our daughter, miss Gabrielle Marley Cureton February 27th, 2008. My life changed exponentially that day. I was a mother. Brandon was a father, we were three. As i sat there in the chair that first night holding my daughter, I looked at my husband and CRIED. I mean, I really cried. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life, and its because he was there, as always, giving me everything I wanted. I felt complete. Fast forward to May 31st, 2009 one of the hardest days of my life. I sat in the car, darkest sunglasses on that I could find, because I didn't want him to see me cry. Once again, Brandon is making huge sacrifices for out little family. You see, this is the day we left him at the airport so that he could leave for boot camp. The hardest thing I've done, was also one of the most amazing things WE have done. Fast forward another four months and you find us in Virginia, and once again, I am holding back tears, but these are good tears, because the man I left at the airport is no longer just my husband or Gaby's daddy, but he is now an American Soldier. Next up, we move to Germany and find out we are going to be parents again, t another beautiful little girl. We are going to name her Dru Kekili Cureton, she is due at the end of July and although we didn't know it then, we know now that something was missing, and she filled that missing part already, and we can't wait to meet her!! Gaby is going to be the best big sister ever. She is so smart, so beautiful, and so loving. Brandon of course is going to continue being an amazing daddy. We are a little family that defies the odds everyday. This life we are living in the army is HARD. The separations are killer because we are so close, but luckily for me, we can handle everything that is thrown at us either hand in hand, letter by letter, or webcam by webcam, and I am so exponentially blessed because of what God has given to me!