So, I decided that today I am going to do something that I normally don't do, and just blog about things that I normally keep to myself. I feel like my life is going a thousand miles an hour right now. My Gaby girl just had her first day of pre-school and she loved it. Dru baby is going to be two months old in a few more days. Its already September. The end of the year is usually my favorite time of year. It reminds me of falling leaves, crisp weather, driving to school in a Scion TC with Brandon, Holidays, and looking to the future with hope and happiness.
This year is a little different for me though because this year I have to worry about my husband possibly being deployed. I have never been more scared of anything in my life. I don't talk to people about it, because I can't stand talking about it, thinking about it, dreaming about it, anymore than I already do. I think the thing I hate the most, and the main reason that I don't talk about it is that most people have no idea what its like to hear the words, "I'm going to be deployed". How your heart stops and you have to think about every holiday and milestone he is going to miss with me and the kids, how every day I will be waiting by the phone for that call, just to know that he is safe, how every time some one knocks on the door my heart will stop, until I know its not the chaplain standing on the other side.
If I hear one more person tell me it will go by fast I think I might lose my mind. I mean really, how fast would time go by if it was your husband leaving for 12 months? I'm worried about my kids, and how it will affect them, because kids know so much more than most people give them credit for. Dru will only know her daddy by a skype video. I feel like we are going to lose a whole year of our lives, for a war that I can't honestly say that I support. My family is not a car drive away, it takes no less than ten hours on an airplane to get home and that is the only way that I can get there. I can't help my sister plan her wedding unless we manage to find a time within the nine hour time zone difference when we are both not busy doing something. I can't talk to Brandon about it, because he is infinitely more mature about the situation than me. I want to ball my hands up in fists and kick and hit the floor and say no,no,no!!! and he is able to be positive and try to make the best of it, and I can't stand to hurt his feelings or make him mad with my mood, because I can't imagine fighting with him, i want to spend all of our time being happy and pretending that everything is always going to be normal, he'll always be home at five, kiss me goodnight. It's hard to hold to these sweet little dreams though when your required to make a will and go over life insurance at the age of 24, not because its a good idea if a freak accident happens and he's hurt or killed, but because if your job is to go to war, your life is just collateral damage. I never thought I'd see the day that I'd rather have my husband fall out of love with me because he was away for too long, than for him to never go home.
I think the main reason that I am able to not just sit around and cry and complain is because I have an amazing family and friends. I trust my husband completely with all of my heart. I have two amazing little girls to watch and record growing. Mainly, its that I know that the majority of my fears are based in my mind getting the best of me. Things are always going to grow and change, and there are going to be things that I don't like, but the fact of the matter is, its not going to change that they happen. So I can either be negative and cry about it, or be positive and do what I can to get through it with the help of God, my family and friends.
Thankfully I am intelligent enough to choose happiness.
I know exactly how you feel! When we came to Carson we already had deployment dates, which we knew would be inevitable anyway, and recruiters are stupid. No matter what anyone says, going to bed each night without your husband never gets easy, watching your children grow and learn by yourself knowing that their daddy never gets easy. Once we were finally in a routine be became more bearable I guess you could say. Nathan missed almost the first year of both the boys lives due to the Army. I would get out your camcorder and record Brandon reading some stories, like he's reading them to the girls while he's away, then you can have them watch them over and over again. Record them playing, make a ton of prints of him alone, him in uniform, him with the girls and plaster the house with them. I had printed 8x10's on computer picture paper for the boys room and taped them around their bed so they could stare at them if they wanted to. We talked about daddy ALL the time, watched the video's we'd made daily. CJ knew who is daddy was even though he didn't. When he came home he took to him like he'd NEVER been gone <3 You could even order shirts for them to sleep in with pictures of daddy, or a pillow case for them with a picture. Just a few things to help the girls know that daddy is still there. I'm not sure how soon this is, but It will be easier for Dru to handle since she's so much younger than it will be for Gabby. Just try to prepare yourself for that. The first week is HELL, give yourself time, and to get into a new routine and the days will start to go by faster. Though I promise some days will be hell. For me the nights were always the hardest. I was fine all day until about 17-1730 when he would normally be walking in the door. That's the time of day that really hit me the hardest. I'd already been used to being alone during the day.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, hang in there! We already have dates for D#2 and while it's still a while off I'm not ready for it. It's really hard when you don't have family around either. If you need anything just ask!! Hugs!!! It's never fun to have to discuss life insurance, wills, or funeral procedures.
Im sorry for both of you and count the blessing that my husband is not a army man, i couldnt imagine raising my four kids by my self on the other had my husband is a marine and he just got deployed on his second tour last month. Just reading your messages made me cry and i will pray for all of those mommy's and daddy's that cant be there and all those who have to stay behind and wait.
ReplyDeletethanks for the input girls, jammie i didnt know paul was in the marines! laura, i was planning on doing the pics and videos, but i love the shirt idea!! i will definitely have to try that
ReplyDeleteI missed a word my husband BROTHER..sorry
ReplyDeleteJosh is a marine.
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