My baby was born this day last year. I can't believe how fast the time passed by, she is a fully fledged toddler now, sumo walking all over the place and eating big kids food with sister watching princess movies and megamind. I look at her and choke up, because the love I have for that little girl is so overpowering. Seeing her also makes me feel guilty, and it makes me feel like a mother with something to prove. This blog is probably the hardest blog I have ever written, so bear with me.
I found out I was pregnant on Brandon's 24th birthday. I wish, with all my heart, that I could say that I was so happy, or that I was overwhelmed with joy, but that just isn't the case, and the point of blogging, is to be honest right? Well, honestly, I was an overwhelming host of emotions, and joy just wasn't one of them. I put on a good show, because I really did WANT to be happy. We had just touched down in Germany days before, were very quickly and frostily introduced to a few people that were supposed to be helpful (joke) and set into an empty apartment that looked nothing like a home, or anything that could resemble one, and I was sad. I was sad for me, for my husband, and our baby. With Brandon being in the military, I knew that it was only a matter of time before he was deployed, and my heart broke to pieces for him and the baby because I knew that they would spend a peack part of their bonding time over a skype video, and it killed me to know that Brandon deserved better.
I was also scared. I was scared of having a baby in a foreign country without the help and companionship of friends and family, knowing again that Brandon was going to be gone a lot, and that I would be that forbidden thing... a "single" mom. I cried, a lot. I was sick all the time and I was resentful. I was stuck in the house and I was pissed. I was missing out on the relationship that Gaby and I had built while Brandon was at basic and AIT and I was sad for her. All I thought about was that I was going to be alone, with two babies, and it was petty and it was childish, but I put a smile on my face and tried to be happy for this little life that was growing in me.
The first time I saw her on her ultrasound picture I knew she was going to be a little fatty girl. her ultrasound was so much bigger than Gaby's and I smiled when I saw that they were already two different little people, when Brandon saw her he knew she was a girl before the ultrasound tech did, he just looked and knew. I could tell she was gorgeous, just by looking at her profile, and even when I was pregnant with her, when I would get down or be in a bad mood, it was like she knew, because thats when her kicks would turn to smooth movements in my belly and she would calm me down. I always tell Brandon that God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave me Dru.
The night she came, I felt my water break, and we left for the hospital. They were awful. They took forever admitting us, asked questions that were in the chart and were rude to gaby when they came in the room. Brandon was so excited, ready for the pregnancy to be over since I had been in serious pain for 3 weeks and wasn't induced. I was given the epidural, which went up instead of down, couldn't breath, thought I was going to die, and this was all before I had to push. Of course they fixed the epidural problem right when she decided to come, so that meant they took it out and I had to deliver naturally, which was not in my birth plan, and was not fun at all to say the least. She took forever to come out. I remember Brandon smiling at me and saying come on mama, we're almost done, I see her! and I just gave up. I gave up on her, because I was in so much pain, and I just didn't want to do it anymore. She was still there though, still going, and with the thought that I needed to be strong for my family, for my new baby girl, I pushed.
When she came out all I could feel was pain, they showed her to me, and all I could do was think, she is pretty, but I hurt so bad. I didn't even hold her. I kept looking at her, staring at her, while they cleaned her up, watching my husband kiss her and take a million pictures, cried my eyes out when I saw Gaby hold her for the first time and saw this look in her face, this look of confusion, of happiness, and of apprehension. Brandon asked me to hold her, and I tried, but I couldnt. I still hurt. I hurt mentally, emotionally and physically. All I could think about was that we only had four months time with Brandon as a family, that she was going to make things a thousand times harder because she was so young and Gaby was going to be jealous and that I was going to lose it. But she was so pretty right?
That night I had to stay alone with Dru because the hospital is ridiculous about having children in the rooms, besides the fact that you also have to share a room with another woman, which is a total invasion of privacy as well as a horrible way to start your family bonding experience. Thank the Lord that we got lucky enough that our room was cleared and we stayed alone. That night I held my baby tightly, I fed her, I changed her clothes and tried giving her a paci (she still hates them). I did all the things that I did with gaby, but I didn't feel that "love at first sight" thing that I felt with her. I was, crushed, for lack of a better word. What kind of mother, doesn't fall in love with their kid?? It was the worst day of my life.
As I sit here crying my stupid eyes out over these memories, that I have never told anyone in the world, I have to just remember that this story has an amazingly happy ending. God really knew what he was doing when he gave me Dru. Even though she cried profusely the first 3 months, I DID fall in love with her, and I fell so hard and so deep that I could never come up. I remember it clearly, like it was yesterday. She was having one of her quiet times, and she looked at me, and she smiled, and snuggled really deep and close to me. We just stared at each other for the longest time, and it was beautiful. I remembered when I was pushing and gave up on her, and it was like she was telling me, don't give up on me mommy, I didn't give up on you, I was patient, I knew that we could do it together. She has always been so patient with me. She is quiet when I need quiet, she is a laugh and a giggle when I need a smile, and she is a hug and a drooly face kiss when I need it too.
She is still beautiful. Undeniably gorgeous and amazing. But she is also, a little dancer, a little sister that does anything to keep up with her big sister, a head turner where ever we roam the earth, an intelligent and happy baby. She makes my world so much better, and even though before she came I didn't know that I would ever want her, I need her like I need air, I would suffocate without her. She looks like her daddy, and when I see her, it makes me happy because I know that he is there in her, and in her sister too. She reminds me that against all fears and doubts, happiness can be found, that roses really do rise from cold hard concrete. I love you Dru nani, thank you for enriching and giving my life more value. You are my little fatty girl forever, and you really truly make me happy, and I will spend everyday making sure you know that I am going to return the favor that you gave me of loving me from the start, when I was unsure of the world, you were there loving me, from the inside and out. Happy Birthday baby, you, daddy and sister are my life, and thank you for being the best surprise ever.
23 July 2011
16 July 2011
back at day one.
I had to drop Brandon back off at the airport today. R&R is quite possibly one of the best and worst things that the army can do to families. On one hand, its so amazing to have any amount of time with him that I can get since he is gone for a whole year, but on the other hand, its not fun to have to spend two weeks trying not to think about the fact that you only have those two weeks. I can't even describe how hard it was to see Brandon walk towards the departure gate today. It was hard when he left, definitely the worst day ever, but we were on base, we were in the middle of all things army, and there was a sense of duty that made it impossible to not come to terms with the fact that I had to take Brandon to his work building and drop him off for the deployment. This time was so hard, because none of that was there. We're standing in the middle of the Honolulu airport, its a beautiful morning outside, and its just the four of us, clinging to each other, trying to get those last few hugs and kisses in before he leaves again, random people sneaking peeks at our last moments together, like we are an episode of Army Wives or something. All I could think was just, why the hell is this happening again. Its so difficult to go from whole and happy to broken and trying to stay positive again.
As I'm sitting here waiting for my flight home, all I can think about is the way he played with the girls at the beach, being able to hold his hand in the car, laughing at anything and everything with him, and the time we got alone together when the kids were asleep. I am going back to the long days of taking care of two kids, not only without the help, but without the companionship of my husband. That feeling that the one person that can appreciate the things that the kids do or help deal with their fits the right way is gone for now and it, for lack of better words, sucks. I am going to miss going to bed and laughing with him and just being able to wrap my arms around him. I am going to miss seeing his face in person, and I hate knowing that the one and only person in the world that really truly knows me in and out, is going to only be available through a computer scree, a phone call, photos, and memories.
As hard as it was to watch him walk away, its nice to know that next time I see him he's HOME. Not only that, but its not that far from now, and I have all these new amazing memories to add to the ones that we have over the years. the emotional pain that the goodbyes of this deployment has caused me is worse than anything I have ever felt in my life, including the physical pain of having Dru's chubby butt naturally. The thing that helps, is that no matter how slow it seems to go by, or how painful a day (especially this day) can be, time goes on, and it passes. I know that through faith hope and love we will rock and knock out the last part of this deployment and get back to normal.
My plans are to keep myself busy with projects that are swarming through my head to spruce up our house, starting buying the kids halloween stuff and their christmas gifts (this is going to be the best christmas ever), and getting back to school in september to finish my bachelors just in case a resign isn't in our future. The conflict in my head and heart is intense about Brandon continuing his Army career, especially after having to watch my daughter cry the way she did today. I just want to know that when we go where ever we are going next, I have options too, that will help us to become stronger as a family in or out of the military. I just want to keep my days packed with family, friends, projects, and as many skype dates as possible until the day that I get to hang the welcome banner and give him the first of many welcome home kisses.
As I'm sitting here waiting for my flight home, all I can think about is the way he played with the girls at the beach, being able to hold his hand in the car, laughing at anything and everything with him, and the time we got alone together when the kids were asleep. I am going back to the long days of taking care of two kids, not only without the help, but without the companionship of my husband. That feeling that the one person that can appreciate the things that the kids do or help deal with their fits the right way is gone for now and it, for lack of better words, sucks. I am going to miss going to bed and laughing with him and just being able to wrap my arms around him. I am going to miss seeing his face in person, and I hate knowing that the one and only person in the world that really truly knows me in and out, is going to only be available through a computer scree, a phone call, photos, and memories.
As hard as it was to watch him walk away, its nice to know that next time I see him he's HOME. Not only that, but its not that far from now, and I have all these new amazing memories to add to the ones that we have over the years. the emotional pain that the goodbyes of this deployment has caused me is worse than anything I have ever felt in my life, including the physical pain of having Dru's chubby butt naturally. The thing that helps, is that no matter how slow it seems to go by, or how painful a day (especially this day) can be, time goes on, and it passes. I know that through faith hope and love we will rock and knock out the last part of this deployment and get back to normal.
My plans are to keep myself busy with projects that are swarming through my head to spruce up our house, starting buying the kids halloween stuff and their christmas gifts (this is going to be the best christmas ever), and getting back to school in september to finish my bachelors just in case a resign isn't in our future. The conflict in my head and heart is intense about Brandon continuing his Army career, especially after having to watch my daughter cry the way she did today. I just want to know that when we go where ever we are going next, I have options too, that will help us to become stronger as a family in or out of the military. I just want to keep my days packed with family, friends, projects, and as many skype dates as possible until the day that I get to hang the welcome banner and give him the first of many welcome home kisses.
04 July 2011
Even if the storyline isn't what I expected, this is still my fairytale.
Its 9 PM Hawaii time, and both my beauties are out. They fell asleep with their daddy after a long day of shopping, eating L&L, and swimming in the salty water at the beach on Hickam AFB. Its day three of Brandon's R&R, and I can't even put into words how amazing it has been to have him here, in my favorite place in the world. It's been like heaven taking the girls to the beaches, driving around the island, shopping at Ala Moana, going to the movies and the zoo, and just getting some REAL family time in that doesn't involve a chat light or a webcam.
I was so nervous for this trip because the girls and I did space a and that can be pretty unreliable at times, But of course, God was with us, and we arrived in Hawaii 12 hours before Brandon. After settling into the hotel, I was incapable of sleeping because my stomach was doing flips, my head was spinning, and well... it was really effing hot. People go on and on about how much a deployment changes a person, so of course, as I am standing in the baggage claim area, I am pretty much hyperventilating wondering how things are going to be when we see him. Not the way you want to start your day, at five am nonetheless.
When I see him though, its like 7 months means nothing. Of course this is the man that I love, this is the person that I have been waiting for and praying for. My fairytale life wasn't a dream, its real and its happening, even if its not always on my terms. Seeing Gabrielle running to her daddy screaming and laughing so happily, is something I will never forget my whole life. His smile was the same, his eyes still saw right through me and made me feel at ease and excited at the same time. If I wasn't so against crying in public I would have been bawling my eyes out like I am right now.
Its so intense to have to feel the emotions that I have to feel through all of this. The deep, swallowing pain that comes the day that he left. The never ending, always in the back of my mind, usually in the front of my mind fear that something could happen to him. The overwhelming happiness that I felt three days ago when I saw him come around that corner at the baggage claim of hawaiian airlines. We are expected to just adapt and adjust, but its hard. I go through the days without him wishing I was with him, thinking that I will spend every moment with him. He's here, and thats all that I do, I spend all day talking to him about anything and everything. When music is out that we love, Gucci over LV, what the kids like to do, things that irritate us, old times, new plans... everything. I hold his hand, when we drive, when we walk, when we are in a movie. I kiss him every chance I get.
But the night comes fast and sleep evades me. I missed so much the feel of his arms around me while we slept, and its been amazing to feel it again. Its SO hard though. To know that he has to go back, to know that in a few days my fairytale goes back to the hard part of the story and I have to be the princess waiting on her prince charming again. I hate knowing that all those feelings, all those fears, are coming back to me so soon. So I avoid it, I try not to think about it. I try to think that he will be home soon after this and we are on the downward slope now...
How can I do that though? When in the here and now I can hear all three of my babies snoring together and laugh because even if my body would relax enough to sleep I couldn't because they are making so much noise, and then I can cry in the same instant because I know that all too soon that sound I love to hate will be gone again for another few months? Being optimistic is usually a strong suit of mine, but when it comes to this, this tsunami of emotions that the army continues to throw at us... I get really close to my breaking point. All I want to do is have fun and live in the moment, and for now that's the plan. I want to just pretend like I'm Cinderella. I'm going to have a ball until the spell breaks and hang onto the memories until my prince comes to whisk me off my feet for good.I kinda feel like this is a preview of how awesome things will be when this deployment is over. Brandon isn't different from before he left, except that he is MORE patient than he was before, which is really saying something. He is still hilarious, still the man that I confide in and can talkto about anything, he is still that guy that sings his name into any song on the radio and the most gorgeous man on the planet. So thats one anxiety that was totally pointless.
Deployments can change people, but as long as there is strength and faith, the change can be for the good. We can hold strong to that which we love, we can learn to trust deeply and trust in God to keep us strong when the world threatens to make us weak. I hate the emotions that I am going through, that I have gone through, and that I will undoubtedly go through in the future thanks to the army constantly calling audibles in our fairytale, but thank the lord that we have a strong defense and are able to work together to take down anything that comes our way. There are some days I wish that I could be like Snow White or Sleeping Beauty, those girls had it SO easy! They got to sleep through everything, but I appreciate my prince charming so much more anticipating the butterflies that I know will come again when he comes home and takes me to our little castle of an apartment and we live happily ever after. I'm off to bed, not so much to try to sleep around the snoring, but to embrace the fact that God is giving me this moment to hear it.
I was so nervous for this trip because the girls and I did space a and that can be pretty unreliable at times, But of course, God was with us, and we arrived in Hawaii 12 hours before Brandon. After settling into the hotel, I was incapable of sleeping because my stomach was doing flips, my head was spinning, and well... it was really effing hot. People go on and on about how much a deployment changes a person, so of course, as I am standing in the baggage claim area, I am pretty much hyperventilating wondering how things are going to be when we see him. Not the way you want to start your day, at five am nonetheless.
When I see him though, its like 7 months means nothing. Of course this is the man that I love, this is the person that I have been waiting for and praying for. My fairytale life wasn't a dream, its real and its happening, even if its not always on my terms. Seeing Gabrielle running to her daddy screaming and laughing so happily, is something I will never forget my whole life. His smile was the same, his eyes still saw right through me and made me feel at ease and excited at the same time. If I wasn't so against crying in public I would have been bawling my eyes out like I am right now.
Its so intense to have to feel the emotions that I have to feel through all of this. The deep, swallowing pain that comes the day that he left. The never ending, always in the back of my mind, usually in the front of my mind fear that something could happen to him. The overwhelming happiness that I felt three days ago when I saw him come around that corner at the baggage claim of hawaiian airlines. We are expected to just adapt and adjust, but its hard. I go through the days without him wishing I was with him, thinking that I will spend every moment with him. He's here, and thats all that I do, I spend all day talking to him about anything and everything. When music is out that we love, Gucci over LV, what the kids like to do, things that irritate us, old times, new plans... everything. I hold his hand, when we drive, when we walk, when we are in a movie. I kiss him every chance I get.
But the night comes fast and sleep evades me. I missed so much the feel of his arms around me while we slept, and its been amazing to feel it again. Its SO hard though. To know that he has to go back, to know that in a few days my fairytale goes back to the hard part of the story and I have to be the princess waiting on her prince charming again. I hate knowing that all those feelings, all those fears, are coming back to me so soon. So I avoid it, I try not to think about it. I try to think that he will be home soon after this and we are on the downward slope now...
How can I do that though? When in the here and now I can hear all three of my babies snoring together and laugh because even if my body would relax enough to sleep I couldn't because they are making so much noise, and then I can cry in the same instant because I know that all too soon that sound I love to hate will be gone again for another few months? Being optimistic is usually a strong suit of mine, but when it comes to this, this tsunami of emotions that the army continues to throw at us... I get really close to my breaking point. All I want to do is have fun and live in the moment, and for now that's the plan. I want to just pretend like I'm Cinderella. I'm going to have a ball until the spell breaks and hang onto the memories until my prince comes to whisk me off my feet for good.I kinda feel like this is a preview of how awesome things will be when this deployment is over. Brandon isn't different from before he left, except that he is MORE patient than he was before, which is really saying something. He is still hilarious, still the man that I confide in and can talkto about anything, he is still that guy that sings his name into any song on the radio and the most gorgeous man on the planet. So thats one anxiety that was totally pointless.
Deployments can change people, but as long as there is strength and faith, the change can be for the good. We can hold strong to that which we love, we can learn to trust deeply and trust in God to keep us strong when the world threatens to make us weak. I hate the emotions that I am going through, that I have gone through, and that I will undoubtedly go through in the future thanks to the army constantly calling audibles in our fairytale, but thank the lord that we have a strong defense and are able to work together to take down anything that comes our way. There are some days I wish that I could be like Snow White or Sleeping Beauty, those girls had it SO easy! They got to sleep through everything, but I appreciate my prince charming so much more anticipating the butterflies that I know will come again when he comes home and takes me to our little castle of an apartment and we live happily ever after. I'm off to bed, not so much to try to sleep around the snoring, but to embrace the fact that God is giving me this moment to hear it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)