back at day one.

I had to drop Brandon back off at the airport today. R&R is quite possibly one of the best and worst things that the army can do to families. On one hand, its so amazing to have any amount of time with him that I can get since he is gone for a whole year, but on the other hand, its not fun to have to spend two weeks trying not to think about the fact that you only have those two weeks. I can't even describe how hard it was to see Brandon walk towards the departure gate today. It was hard when he left, definitely the worst day ever, but we were on base, we were in the middle of all things army, and there was a sense of duty that made it impossible to not come to terms with the fact that I had to take Brandon to his work building and drop him off for the deployment. This time was so hard, because none of that was there. We're standing in the middle of the Honolulu airport, its a beautiful morning outside, and its just the four of us, clinging to each other, trying to get those last few hugs and kisses in before he leaves again, random people sneaking peeks at our last moments together, like we are an episode of Army Wives or something. All I could think was just, why the hell is this happening again. Its so difficult to go from whole and happy to broken and trying to stay positive again.

As I'm sitting here waiting for my flight home, all I can think about is the way he played with the girls at the beach, being able to hold his hand in the car, laughing at anything and everything with him, and the time we got alone together when the kids were asleep. I am going back to the long days of taking care of two kids, not only without the help, but without the companionship of my husband. That feeling that the one person that can appreciate the things that the kids do or help deal with their fits the right way is gone for now and it, for lack of better words, sucks. I am going to miss going to bed and laughing with him and just being able to wrap my arms around him. I am going to miss seeing his face in person, and I hate knowing that the one and only person in the world that really truly knows me in and out, is going to only be available through a computer scree, a phone call, photos, and memories.

As hard as it was to watch him walk away, its nice to know that next time I see him he's HOME. Not only that, but its not that far from now, and I have all these new amazing memories to add to the ones that we have over the years. the emotional pain that the goodbyes of this deployment has caused me is worse than anything I have ever felt in my life, including the physical pain of having Dru's chubby butt naturally. The thing that helps, is that no matter how slow it seems to go by, or how painful a day (especially this day) can be, time goes on, and it passes. I know that through faith hope and love we will rock and knock out the last part of this deployment and get back to normal.

My plans are to keep myself busy with projects that are swarming through my head to spruce up our house, starting buying the kids halloween stuff and their christmas gifts (this is going to be the best christmas ever), and getting back to school in september to finish my bachelors just in case a resign isn't in our future. The conflict in my head and heart is intense about Brandon continuing his Army career, especially after having to watch my daughter cry the way she did today. I just want to know that when we go where ever we are going next, I have options too, that will help us to become stronger as a family in or out of the military. I just want to keep my days packed with family, friends, projects, and as many skype dates as possible until the day that I get to hang the welcome banner and give him the first of many welcome home kisses.