Dru Kekili Cureton July 23rd 2010

   My baby was born this day last year. I can't believe how fast the time passed by, she is a fully fledged toddler now, sumo walking all over the place and eating big kids food with sister watching princess movies and megamind. I look at her and choke up, because the love I have for that little girl is so overpowering. Seeing her also makes me feel guilty, and it makes me feel like a mother with something to prove. This blog is probably the hardest blog I have ever written, so bear with me.

    I found out I was pregnant on Brandon's 24th birthday. I wish, with all my heart, that I could say that I was so happy, or that I was overwhelmed with joy, but that just isn't the case, and the point of blogging, is to be honest right? Well, honestly, I was an overwhelming host of emotions, and joy just wasn't one of them. I put on a good show, because I really did WANT to be happy. We had just touched down in Germany days before, were very quickly and frostily introduced to a few people that were supposed to be helpful (joke) and set into an empty apartment that looked nothing like a home, or anything that could resemble one, and I was sad. I was sad for me, for my husband, and our baby. With Brandon being in the military, I knew that it was only a matter of time before he was deployed, and my heart broke to pieces for him and the baby because I knew that they would spend a peack part of their bonding time over a skype video, and it killed me to know that Brandon deserved better.

 I was also scared. I was scared of having a baby in a foreign country without the help and companionship of friends and family, knowing again that Brandon was going to be gone a lot, and that I would be that forbidden thing... a "single" mom. I cried, a lot. I was sick all the time and I was resentful. I was stuck in the house and I was pissed. I was missing out on the relationship that Gaby and I had built while Brandon was at basic and AIT and I was sad for her. All I thought about was that I was going to be alone, with two babies, and it was petty and it was childish, but I put a smile on my face and tried to be happy for this little life that was growing in me.

  The first time I saw her on her ultrasound picture I knew she was going to be a little fatty girl. her ultrasound was so much bigger than Gaby's and I smiled when I saw that they were already two different little people, when Brandon saw her he knew she was a girl before the ultrasound tech did, he just looked and knew. I could tell she was gorgeous, just by looking at her profile, and even when I was pregnant with her, when I would get down or be in a bad mood, it was like she knew, because thats when her kicks would turn to smooth movements in my belly and she would calm me down. I always tell Brandon that God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave me Dru.

 The night she came, I felt my water break, and we left for the hospital. They were awful. They took forever admitting us, asked questions that were in the chart and were rude to gaby when they came in the room. Brandon was so excited, ready for the pregnancy to be over since I had been in serious pain for 3 weeks and wasn't induced. I was given the epidural, which went up instead of down, couldn't breath, thought I was going to die, and this was all before I had to push. Of course they fixed the epidural problem right when she decided to come, so that meant they took it out and I had to deliver naturally, which was not in my birth plan, and was not fun at all to say the least. She took forever to come out. I remember Brandon smiling at me and saying come on mama, we're almost done, I see her! and I just gave up. I gave up on her, because I was in so much pain, and I just didn't want to do it anymore. She was still there though, still going, and with the thought that I needed to be strong for my family, for my new baby girl, I pushed.

  When she came out all I could feel was pain, they showed her to me, and all I could do was think, she is pretty, but I hurt so bad. I didn't even hold her. I kept looking at her, staring at her, while they cleaned her up, watching my husband kiss her and take a million pictures, cried my eyes out when I saw Gaby hold her for the first time and saw this look in her face, this look of confusion, of happiness, and of apprehension. Brandon asked me to hold her, and I tried, but I couldnt. I still hurt. I hurt mentally, emotionally and physically. All I could think about was that we only had four months time with Brandon as a family, that she was going to make things a thousand times harder because she was so young and Gaby was going to be jealous and that I was going to lose it. But she was so pretty right?

 That night I had to stay alone with Dru because the hospital is ridiculous about having children in the rooms, besides the fact that you also have to share a room with another woman, which is a total invasion of privacy as well as a horrible way to start your family bonding experience. Thank the Lord that we got lucky enough that our room was cleared and we stayed alone. That night I held my baby tightly, I fed her, I changed her clothes and tried giving her a paci (she still hates them). I did all the things that I did with gaby, but I didn't feel that "love at first sight" thing that I felt with her. I was, crushed, for lack of a better word. What kind of mother, doesn't fall in love with their kid?? It was the worst day of my life.

  As I sit here crying my stupid eyes out over these memories, that I have never told anyone in the world, I have to just remember that this story has an amazingly happy ending. God really knew what he was doing when he gave me Dru. Even though she cried profusely the first 3 months, I DID fall in love with her, and I fell so hard and so deep that I could never come up. I remember it clearly, like it was yesterday. She was having one of her quiet times, and she looked at me, and she smiled, and snuggled really deep and close to me. We just stared at each other for the longest time, and it was beautiful. I remembered when I was pushing and gave up on her, and it was like she was telling me, don't give up on me mommy, I didn't give up on you, I was patient, I knew that we could do it together. She has always been so patient with me. She is quiet when I need quiet, she is a laugh and a giggle when I need a smile, and she is a hug and a drooly face kiss when I need it too.

She is still beautiful. Undeniably gorgeous and amazing. But she is also, a little dancer, a little sister that does anything to keep up with her big sister, a head turner where ever we roam the earth, an intelligent and happy baby. She makes my world so much better, and even though before she came I didn't know that I would ever want her, I need her like I need air, I would suffocate without her. She looks like her daddy, and when I see her, it makes me happy because I know that he is there in her, and in her sister too. She reminds me that against all fears and doubts, happiness can be found, that roses really do rise from cold hard concrete. I love you Dru nani, thank you for enriching and giving my life more value. You are my little fatty girl forever, and you really truly make me happy, and I will spend everyday making sure you know that I am going to return the favor that you gave me of loving me from the start, when I was unsure of the world, you were there loving me, from the inside and out. Happy Birthday baby, you, daddy and sister are my life, and thank you for being the best surprise ever.