Standards.

  This blog is about, you guessed it, having standards. We (should) all have them, what we are looking for in the relationships that we have with other people, what will will accept and what we won't accept. I, for one, do not accept people calling me a bitch, at all. Its not ok, and yes, you will get slapped if you say it to me (well maybe not slapped but I will let you know that its not going to fly).  I also value honestly, intelligence, a sense of humor, and a love of movies and God. Basically, we have to vibe on a purely personality level. I would never choose my friends based on their looks, what they wear, our what race they are, hell even if you don't believe in God, we can be friends, but don't disrespect my beliefs and I won't disrespect yours you know? It has always astounded me that men and women have standards for their friends that they will and won't accept, and when it comes to their gf/bf, husband/ wife, all that goes out the window. Of course you have to be willing to understand that arguments happen, and that if you call it quits after every argument, you'll never be happy, or keep a relationship for that matter; but there has to be standards. If you wouldn't let your friend call you bitch as a joke, why would you let your man? If you wouldn't let another person hit you, why should he be exempt from your standards? Women we aren't innocent either. If your significant other wouldn't be cool with someone else cussing him out, you probably shouldn't do it either, do unto others and all that, remember? I just think that we should hold those that we are in love with to a higher standard than other people. They are the most important people in your life because they treat you the best, and love you the best, not because you are willing to put up with more shit from than than anyone else. Deployment is no exception. Why let your spouse treat you a different way when they are gone than they would if they are home? Don't give me the whole, what if something happens bs, because I can be pretty sure that they would rather die knowing that you loved them the same before, during, and after the deployment (maybe a little more after), than knowing that you were totally fine with them walking all over you because you were too scared to tell them what you really think and feel. A deployment is a time for growth and learning, not to forget what your standards and beliefs are. If they think they can get away with it while they are gone, what makes you think that its going to change when they get home? It won't. If you don't speak your mind and stand up for yourself, no one will. There is a difference between nagging and bitching, and just making sure that you are treated the way that you deserve. Don't forget your standards, and don't accept less than the best from the people that you think the world of. No one is perfect, by any means.  There will be times when the standards aren't followed by friends, family, or spouses, but if they make a mistake and learn from it, if they are usually perfect and are willing to admit when they are wrong, that is a good standard in a person too. One of my new favorite quotes is , "love is fragile, and we're not always the best caretakers,we just muddle through and do the best we can, and hope this fragile thing survives against all odds." This is a perfect quote because it's basically saying that as a human we should know that we are going to make mistakes, but we have to be willing to do what we can to make love survive against all odds, and having standards and keeping them, helps to put some cushion around the love that is so fragile. Even if the box gets dropped here and there, there is padding and support to keep it alive.

Dru Kekili Cureton July 23rd 2010

   My baby was born this day last year. I can't believe how fast the time passed by, she is a fully fledged toddler now, sumo walking all over the place and eating big kids food with sister watching princess movies and megamind. I look at her and choke up, because the love I have for that little girl is so overpowering. Seeing her also makes me feel guilty, and it makes me feel like a mother with something to prove. This blog is probably the hardest blog I have ever written, so bear with me.

    I found out I was pregnant on Brandon's 24th birthday. I wish, with all my heart, that I could say that I was so happy, or that I was overwhelmed with joy, but that just isn't the case, and the point of blogging, is to be honest right? Well, honestly, I was an overwhelming host of emotions, and joy just wasn't one of them. I put on a good show, because I really did WANT to be happy. We had just touched down in Germany days before, were very quickly and frostily introduced to a few people that were supposed to be helpful (joke) and set into an empty apartment that looked nothing like a home, or anything that could resemble one, and I was sad. I was sad for me, for my husband, and our baby. With Brandon being in the military, I knew that it was only a matter of time before he was deployed, and my heart broke to pieces for him and the baby because I knew that they would spend a peack part of their bonding time over a skype video, and it killed me to know that Brandon deserved better.

 I was also scared. I was scared of having a baby in a foreign country without the help and companionship of friends and family, knowing again that Brandon was going to be gone a lot, and that I would be that forbidden thing... a "single" mom. I cried, a lot. I was sick all the time and I was resentful. I was stuck in the house and I was pissed. I was missing out on the relationship that Gaby and I had built while Brandon was at basic and AIT and I was sad for her. All I thought about was that I was going to be alone, with two babies, and it was petty and it was childish, but I put a smile on my face and tried to be happy for this little life that was growing in me.

  The first time I saw her on her ultrasound picture I knew she was going to be a little fatty girl. her ultrasound was so much bigger than Gaby's and I smiled when I saw that they were already two different little people, when Brandon saw her he knew she was a girl before the ultrasound tech did, he just looked and knew. I could tell she was gorgeous, just by looking at her profile, and even when I was pregnant with her, when I would get down or be in a bad mood, it was like she knew, because thats when her kicks would turn to smooth movements in my belly and she would calm me down. I always tell Brandon that God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave me Dru.

 The night she came, I felt my water break, and we left for the hospital. They were awful. They took forever admitting us, asked questions that were in the chart and were rude to gaby when they came in the room. Brandon was so excited, ready for the pregnancy to be over since I had been in serious pain for 3 weeks and wasn't induced. I was given the epidural, which went up instead of down, couldn't breath, thought I was going to die, and this was all before I had to push. Of course they fixed the epidural problem right when she decided to come, so that meant they took it out and I had to deliver naturally, which was not in my birth plan, and was not fun at all to say the least. She took forever to come out. I remember Brandon smiling at me and saying come on mama, we're almost done, I see her! and I just gave up. I gave up on her, because I was in so much pain, and I just didn't want to do it anymore. She was still there though, still going, and with the thought that I needed to be strong for my family, for my new baby girl, I pushed.

  When she came out all I could feel was pain, they showed her to me, and all I could do was think, she is pretty, but I hurt so bad. I didn't even hold her. I kept looking at her, staring at her, while they cleaned her up, watching my husband kiss her and take a million pictures, cried my eyes out when I saw Gaby hold her for the first time and saw this look in her face, this look of confusion, of happiness, and of apprehension. Brandon asked me to hold her, and I tried, but I couldnt. I still hurt. I hurt mentally, emotionally and physically. All I could think about was that we only had four months time with Brandon as a family, that she was going to make things a thousand times harder because she was so young and Gaby was going to be jealous and that I was going to lose it. But she was so pretty right?

 That night I had to stay alone with Dru because the hospital is ridiculous about having children in the rooms, besides the fact that you also have to share a room with another woman, which is a total invasion of privacy as well as a horrible way to start your family bonding experience. Thank the Lord that we got lucky enough that our room was cleared and we stayed alone. That night I held my baby tightly, I fed her, I changed her clothes and tried giving her a paci (she still hates them). I did all the things that I did with gaby, but I didn't feel that "love at first sight" thing that I felt with her. I was, crushed, for lack of a better word. What kind of mother, doesn't fall in love with their kid?? It was the worst day of my life.

  As I sit here crying my stupid eyes out over these memories, that I have never told anyone in the world, I have to just remember that this story has an amazingly happy ending. God really knew what he was doing when he gave me Dru. Even though she cried profusely the first 3 months, I DID fall in love with her, and I fell so hard and so deep that I could never come up. I remember it clearly, like it was yesterday. She was having one of her quiet times, and she looked at me, and she smiled, and snuggled really deep and close to me. We just stared at each other for the longest time, and it was beautiful. I remembered when I was pushing and gave up on her, and it was like she was telling me, don't give up on me mommy, I didn't give up on you, I was patient, I knew that we could do it together. She has always been so patient with me. She is quiet when I need quiet, she is a laugh and a giggle when I need a smile, and she is a hug and a drooly face kiss when I need it too.

She is still beautiful. Undeniably gorgeous and amazing. But she is also, a little dancer, a little sister that does anything to keep up with her big sister, a head turner where ever we roam the earth, an intelligent and happy baby. She makes my world so much better, and even though before she came I didn't know that I would ever want her, I need her like I need air, I would suffocate without her. She looks like her daddy, and when I see her, it makes me happy because I know that he is there in her, and in her sister too. She reminds me that against all fears and doubts, happiness can be found, that roses really do rise from cold hard concrete. I love you Dru nani, thank you for enriching and giving my life more value. You are my little fatty girl forever, and you really truly make me happy, and I will spend everyday making sure you know that I am going to return the favor that you gave me of loving me from the start, when I was unsure of the world, you were there loving me, from the inside and out. Happy Birthday baby, you, daddy and sister are my life, and thank you for being the best surprise ever.

back at day one.

I had to drop Brandon back off at the airport today. R&R is quite possibly one of the best and worst things that the army can do to families. On one hand, its so amazing to have any amount of time with him that I can get since he is gone for a whole year, but on the other hand, its not fun to have to spend two weeks trying not to think about the fact that you only have those two weeks. I can't even describe how hard it was to see Brandon walk towards the departure gate today. It was hard when he left, definitely the worst day ever, but we were on base, we were in the middle of all things army, and there was a sense of duty that made it impossible to not come to terms with the fact that I had to take Brandon to his work building and drop him off for the deployment. This time was so hard, because none of that was there. We're standing in the middle of the Honolulu airport, its a beautiful morning outside, and its just the four of us, clinging to each other, trying to get those last few hugs and kisses in before he leaves again, random people sneaking peeks at our last moments together, like we are an episode of Army Wives or something. All I could think was just, why the hell is this happening again. Its so difficult to go from whole and happy to broken and trying to stay positive again.

As I'm sitting here waiting for my flight home, all I can think about is the way he played with the girls at the beach, being able to hold his hand in the car, laughing at anything and everything with him, and the time we got alone together when the kids were asleep. I am going back to the long days of taking care of two kids, not only without the help, but without the companionship of my husband. That feeling that the one person that can appreciate the things that the kids do or help deal with their fits the right way is gone for now and it, for lack of better words, sucks. I am going to miss going to bed and laughing with him and just being able to wrap my arms around him. I am going to miss seeing his face in person, and I hate knowing that the one and only person in the world that really truly knows me in and out, is going to only be available through a computer scree, a phone call, photos, and memories.

As hard as it was to watch him walk away, its nice to know that next time I see him he's HOME. Not only that, but its not that far from now, and I have all these new amazing memories to add to the ones that we have over the years. the emotional pain that the goodbyes of this deployment has caused me is worse than anything I have ever felt in my life, including the physical pain of having Dru's chubby butt naturally. The thing that helps, is that no matter how slow it seems to go by, or how painful a day (especially this day) can be, time goes on, and it passes. I know that through faith hope and love we will rock and knock out the last part of this deployment and get back to normal.

My plans are to keep myself busy with projects that are swarming through my head to spruce up our house, starting buying the kids halloween stuff and their christmas gifts (this is going to be the best christmas ever), and getting back to school in september to finish my bachelors just in case a resign isn't in our future. The conflict in my head and heart is intense about Brandon continuing his Army career, especially after having to watch my daughter cry the way she did today. I just want to know that when we go where ever we are going next, I have options too, that will help us to become stronger as a family in or out of the military. I just want to keep my days packed with family, friends, projects, and as many skype dates as possible until the day that I get to hang the welcome banner and give him the first of many welcome home kisses.

Even if the storyline isn't what I expected, this is still my fairytale.

Its 9 PM Hawaii time, and both my beauties are out. They fell asleep with their daddy after a long day of shopping, eating L&L, and swimming in the salty water at the beach on Hickam AFB. Its day three of Brandon's R&R, and I can't even put into words how amazing it has been to have him here, in my favorite place in the world. It's been like heaven taking the girls to the beaches, driving around the island, shopping at Ala Moana, going to the movies and the zoo, and just getting some REAL family time in that doesn't involve a chat light or a webcam.

  I was so nervous for this trip because the girls and I did space a and that can be pretty unreliable at times, But of course, God was with us, and we arrived in Hawaii 12 hours before Brandon. After settling into the hotel, I was incapable of sleeping because my stomach was doing flips, my head was spinning, and well... it was really effing hot. People go on and on about how much a deployment changes a person, so of course, as I am standing in the baggage claim area, I am pretty much hyperventilating wondering how things are going to be when we see him. Not the way you want to start your day, at five am nonetheless.

   When I see him though, its like 7 months means nothing. Of course this is the man that I love, this is the person that I have been waiting for and praying for. My fairytale life wasn't a dream, its real and its happening, even if its not always on my terms. Seeing Gabrielle running to her daddy screaming and laughing so happily, is something I will never forget my whole life. His smile was the same, his eyes still saw right through me and made me feel at ease and excited at the same time. If I wasn't so against crying in public I would have been bawling my eyes out like I am right now.

 Its so intense to have to feel the emotions that I have to feel through all of this. The deep, swallowing pain that comes the day that he left. The never ending, always in the back of my mind, usually in the front of my mind fear that something could happen to him. The overwhelming happiness that I felt three days ago when I saw him come around that corner at the baggage claim of hawaiian airlines. We are expected to just adapt and adjust, but its hard. I go through the days without him wishing I was with him, thinking that I will spend every moment with him. He's here, and thats all that I do, I spend all day talking to him about anything and everything. When music is out that we love, Gucci over LV, what the kids like to do, things that irritate us, old times, new plans... everything. I hold his hand, when we drive, when we walk, when we are in a movie. I kiss him every chance I get.
But the night comes fast and sleep evades me. I missed so much the feel of his arms around me while we slept, and its been amazing to feel it again. Its SO hard though. To know that he has to go back, to know that in a few days my fairytale goes back to the hard part of the story and I have to be the princess waiting on her prince charming again. I hate knowing that all those feelings, all those fears, are coming back to me so soon. So I avoid it, I try not to think about it. I try to think that he will be home soon after this and we are on the downward slope now...

  How can I do that though? When in the here and now I can hear all three of my babies snoring together and laugh because even if my body would relax enough to sleep I couldn't because they are making so much noise, and then I can cry in the same instant because I know that all too soon that sound I love to hate will be gone again for another few months? Being optimistic is usually a strong suit of mine, but when it comes to this, this tsunami of emotions that the army continues to throw at us... I get really close to my breaking point. All I want to do is have fun and live in the moment, and for now that's the plan. I want to just pretend like I'm Cinderella. I'm going to have a ball until the spell breaks and hang onto the memories until my prince comes to whisk me off my feet for good.I kinda feel like this is a preview of how awesome things will be when this deployment is over. Brandon isn't different from before he left, except that he is MORE patient than he was before, which is really saying something. He is still hilarious, still the man that I confide in and can talkto about anything, he is still that guy that sings his name into any song on the radio and the most gorgeous man on the planet. So thats one anxiety that was totally pointless.

  Deployments can change people, but as long as there is strength and faith, the change can be for the good. We can hold strong to that which we love, we can learn to trust deeply and trust in God to keep us strong when the world threatens to make us weak. I hate the emotions that I am going through, that I have gone through, and that I will undoubtedly go through in the future thanks to the army constantly calling audibles in our fairytale, but thank the lord that we have a strong defense and are able to work together to take down anything that comes our way. There are some days I wish that I could be like Snow White or Sleeping Beauty, those girls had it SO easy! They got to sleep through everything, but I appreciate my prince charming so much more anticipating the butterflies that I know will come again when he comes home and takes me to our little castle of an apartment and we live happily ever after. I'm off to bed, not so much to try to sleep around the snoring, but to embrace the fact that God is giving me this moment to hear it.

aloha r&r

 The girls and I made it to the states and we are really enjoying the relaxation and comforts of being with Brandon's family. It was a long trip over this time, but so far its been worth it. The kids got a ton of new clothes, thanks in part to a storewide 12.99 and under sale at gymboree. I got them the cutest little 4th of July outfits! I cannot wait for the 4th of July. I get to spend my favorite holiday with my favorite people, my little family will be all together for Brandon's r&r and we will be celebrating on the beaches of Oahu. I can't even decribe how excited I am for the upcoming weeks because I have been looking forward to them since the day that Brandon left. The last time we were in Hawaii was for our honeymoon, I was young and so in love, spending a week on the beach with the best man in the world, being told by Brandon's grandma that I couldn't hike Diamond Head, or stay on the beach too long because it  might hurt my Gaby belly. We had so much fun and its going to be so crazy to go back with not one, but two little beauties to enjoy the sights with us.

I have a million plans that I know that we will probably not be able to do, but I can't wait to attempt them all. I want to see my babies play in the beach on waikiki and take them to the zoo. I want to para sail with brandon and go on a dinner luau. I really want to take the kids to get little nothings at the ABC stores and let them watch the guy that makes real art with spray paint and garbage. I want to fall asleep and wake up with Brandon's arms around me and take a million pictures of my husband with his daughters. I want to watch Gaby and Dru chase the little crabs into their holes on the beach like Brandon and I did on our honeymoon and watch my babies walk out on the beach at night with them.

More than anything I just want the closeness that I have been missing the last 6 months. I long for the intimacy that I have been missing, and not even just the physical type. I want to lay in bed and talk to my husband the way we do every night when he is home and talk about everything and anything, and just laugh and kiss and feel like we're the only two people in the world. I can't wait to share these moments with him that he has been missing, let him watch Gaby dance and sing and watch Dru try to walk around and them play together, and not in a picture or a video on facebook or skype. I can't wait to see him interact with them, because keeping a father like Brandon away from his kids is the worst type of torture. He is the best father that I could ever ask for for my children, and I know that he deserves more than a few school projects, pictures and videos sent to afghanistan in a tough box. Its going to be so great to celebrate Dru's birthday with him, even if its a week early, he will get to be in her pictures and see her blow out her candle (which is something we need to start working on actually).

I am dreading the day that he has to go back, almost more than the first time that he left. I hate knowing that he will be safe and happy with us, and that I have to allow him to go back there. But I have faith in God that he will be there to help us all threw the rest of this deployment and keep Brandon safe, and bring him home healthy, happy and whole as soon as possible. Some days, I sit and think about how hard it will be to let him leave and it clouds the fact that I get those precious few days to spend with him and our daughters, and I hope that I don't allow that to be in my head while he is here, because I just want to focus on the moment and enjoy him being there, in our own little paradise, together.

Putting my C flag at the top of the mountain.

 Is it really 8 pm, is it really 10 pm? Where did my day go? These are questions that I have been asking myself a LOT lately. Its nice. Conquering this deployment seemed as daunting as trying to climb Mount Everest to me in the beginning, and now, soldier man, the beauties and I are about to take our final steps to the top and break ground at the halfway point in a few days.
   Deployment seems like climbing a mountain to me so far. Its like the day you start you are looking up at this massive thing, its so big that you can't see the top, let alone the other side. At the bottom, you have a ton of people that say they are there for you, that say they will support you, and even though you feel like you couldn't possibly attempt the climb, you move forward.
  Next, you are moving along the base nicely, and there are people that lose interest in what you're doing and they kind of drop off the radar. Those aren't the people that bother me, its normal to go along with your own life, and its good. The ones that bother me, are the ones that are trying to do the climb with you, but are struggling with it. Its in this that we find people that will try to make you quit, or that will be so negative about everything that goes along with it that they aren't stopping to realize that there is good in it too, so they weigh you down.
  I went through this phase, and I could have let myself be drug down by it, but I didn't. I thought about my girls, my husband, and the end of this thing. I made some awesome new friends along this path as well. Its really nice that I have a solid group of people that don't complain about things all the time, that are willing to help me and the girls when we need company or the occasional ride until the TC finally debuts in Germany :) I love knowing that I can count on myself and other people, and Brandon can see that I have been really happy. I have so much to talk about at the end of the day now because I am out making the most of the days with the kids and taking advantage of the things that are being offered for us. We have pretty much no open days because we are out for FRG stuff, Church, or playdates and birthday or scentsy parties (since they are so numerous around here my house is full of the stuff).
  Making it past that part, was like getting a second wind. It was really nice that I had my own personal motivator (soldier man) to get me through everything, to keep me sane, to give me advise. I joke with him all the time that I am trying to start fights with him because we need to be arguing to be "normal".  It was nice to regain that strength through purging the negative out of our day to day, and we were able to get higher and higher and higher. We're to the point now that I realize that I can see the top, not only that, but we are so much stronger through the process too.
   In a few days we will be at the summit and I can say we made it halfway through, we can put the big C flag at the top of this mountain saying we made it, and we will start the decent on this deployment, and we'll probably go through all of this in reverse. People will want to be around again, we will feel like time is speeding up and slowing down and go through a ton of emotions, but once the decent is over, we will know that even though we were going at this from two different sides, we made it together, and we found out strengths that we never knew we had, found the people that we can count on, and conquered something that most of the world couldn't fathom working through.
  Also, its Memorial Day weekend, so I want to just tell all the soldiers of the past present and the future how much value they hold to our country, and how amazing they are for doing what they do, whether it be for family, country, pride, even thrill. You're sacrifices give us the freedoms that we enjoy, thank you. And to Mr. Cureton, you are, always have been, and always will be, my hero. I love you boo.

mother's day.

It's Mother's Day eve, and I'm thinking about my girls. I never thought I would have kids, so it's still a trip for me to know that I have two now. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Gabrielle I was a little shocked because I thought that it would take more than an exact month of trying to get pregnant, and I was a little scared to think that I would be responsible for another life, but most of all I felt happy and excited to step on this new path... motherhood. When she was born she was perfect, we had to wait for the nurse to stop cooing over her telling her how pretty she was to get our chance to look at her. Gaby made me want to be even better than I wanted to be when I got married, I knew I had to give her a good example of a strong beautiful woman inside and out, so that she could grow up and be someone that we (and within her self) could be proud of.

    Finding out I was pregnant with Dru was a totally different ball game. We had literally just walked into the door of our apartment in Germany, our first duty station in the army, 5 days before I found out. It was hard. I was happy but scared. We didn't tell anyone for a long time because one, we were pregnant with everyone and their mother at the same time, and two we wanted to just keep it to ourselves and process for a few weeks. I knew that when we joined the army (yes we, me and the girls are in this too.), we would have to deal with deployments, but when I pictured it it was a vision of me and Gaby somewhere in the states, I was in school or working, we had family come to visit often, and we made it through. Now my picture had me, alone with two kids under the age of three. I'd be lying if I said that I never had days where I wanted to break down and cry, and there were many days I did just that, especially when I got the call in the middle of february saying, "boo, we leave in december." The day Dru was born was stressful, painful, and amazing, but thats for another blog... for now i'll say this. I saw someone that equaled Gaby's beauty for the first time.  

 My heart was rocked when I saw my baby, holding my baby. That's the strongest love imaginable. Its really indescribable how I felt seeing the way Gaby looked holding Dru, it made my heart hurt with how much I loved them.





After we left things were perfect. We were a happy little family of four and I was thankful, but in the back of my head all i thought was, we have only this many months, then this many days before deployment. It really dragged me down, but it also built me up to cherish the moments that I otherwise probably would have just found to be normal parts of the day. It was kind of like a terminal cancer patient making the most of the months they have left. I wanted to do everything and put as much into those four months that I could, because I was dreading being a "single" mom.

     We're into month five of the deployment and I'm sitting here at the computer watching my girls play barbies, share pretzels, and watch Monsters Inc. together. I'm reminiscing over the memories of my journey as a mommy, and I have to say, I am so blessed. There are many days that I second guess myself, or get down because I know that in this or that situation Brandon would have been more fun, or would have handled it better because he has more patience. I get frustrated because I feel like I don't know "Marlana" anymore, just mommy or Mrs. PFC Cureton. I hate feeling like I have nothing but war and barbies to talk about. I curse the army for making me the ONE thing I never wanted to be... a mom raising her kids alone.
      
         But then I remember, I have a pretty awesome husband who is talking DAMN good care of me and our girls, I have family and friends that are a space a flight away if I need a break, and I have God to lean on for those days when I feel like everything sucks. I have a new found appreciation for single mothers, because ladies, you are awesome. I do have a husband helping me and loving me and making my life easier even when he is far away, and this shit is hard, so applause to you, and I hope someone buys you dinner or a drink (or six) for your hard work. Also, for those mothers that are deployed, I feel for you, I know that even though there are days these girls make me want to rip my freakin hair out, but spending that much time away to make their lives the best it can be, you girls are just, amazing. Sacrifice and love like that is rare, and mothers and fathers like you deserve respect and cheers. So Happy Mother's Day to everyone, and I hope that whether your family is together, separated, divorced, whatever... its a day that you can reflect and see that your kids are the reason YOU get to celebrate, so thank them for making you a mommy, love them and pamper them just as much as you expect to be, just be happy to be a mother.

So Sick...

   In the story of Brandon and Marlana, there are many, many more stories that I could tell between junior year and November 05, but I am not posting those. Since they involve the feelings of other people being hurt,  I'm moving along to our second "beginning".

   Brandon called mea few days before his birthday in the fall of 05. As always, we talked on the phone pretty often, but we hadn't really seen each other more than in passing because of school, work and other people. This time was different though. He was asking me out. Even though I was dating at the time, I still thought, this is a date. I put on a cute outfit, did my hair and make up, and the day of his birthday I went over to Las Margaritas and met him and his (my) family for dinner. I got to sit and eat taco's with him and his sister and his mom and just laugh and have a good time. Something I hadn't done in a really long time. This part of my life, up until that day when I turned my back against the world, was "the dark ages". I was a really bad person. Seriously. I used people, I partied a lot, I was a really mean person, I felt like I hated everyone, but most of all I hated myself. I hated who I had become. I was bitter and unhappy with where I was at in my life. I did a Kanye and became a College Dropout, but little did I know you had to have skills as a rapper to be a millionaire with no bachelors degree. Seriously though, I was just coasting along working at journeys, shrugging my shoulders about anything and everything. Going to dinner that night was like breathing after being under water for too long. I felt like my head was clear and happy that I wasn't being smothered for once.

   After dinner was over we went to watch the sunkings game. I don't remember the score, I don't remember who they played, hell I really don't even remember the weather, but I do remember laughing and smiling more than I had in months. More than that, I remember having butterflies. I mean like, damn. I couldn't keep myself from just wanting to giggle. Strait up first crush type of shit. And thats exactly what it was. This was the first guy i ever cared about. The first guy that told me he loved me, the first guy that ever met my parents. I knew again, this is it for me. And this time I didn't run from it. I embraced it with my whole heart. I was fucking scared. I'd never let myself fall before, and I couldn't stand the thought of this guy, this perfect for me in every way guy, hurting me. I also couldn't stand the thought of me hurting him. That night I drove for some reason, and he put in a cd that he brought from his car, it had Ne-Yo So Sick playing on it, and I was really feeling that song hard, because I was so sick of the way things were going, and he had just ended something on his end, it seemed like a weird "beginning" song for us, but the ends of or other things in life that were making us so sick of everything helped us to begin again strong.

   I made a lot of changes and cuts in my life in the following weeks, and it was like a cancer patient going through surgery and chemo, I came out clean and with a new outlook on life. Seriously. I found myself having hopes and dreams and goals again, and looking forward to the future. I wish I could say that I did all that on my own, but I didn't. I mean deep down, I knew I was capable of being the person that I broke free of the BS to become, but he brought it out, and I love him unconditionally and eternally for that.

Stupid Stinky Deployment!!!

Its been a  while since I blogged. I have been a busy busy woman, but the last two weeks its mainly been because of a sick little gaby girl. Dru throw up, I can handle... Gaby throw up, not so much. I have had to do things the last few weeks that I never ever wanted to do. I had to hold my baby down and let a doctor give her a shot, and I had to hold her down while she got blood drawn. Hardest. Thing. Ever. It goes without saying that everyday gets harder and easier at the same time, but its days like those that I literally ache with how much I miss Brandon. He is the big strong soldier man, he can handle stuff like that not me. A lot of times it feels like I do thinks only because I have to, with tears in my eyes or a crappy mood, but I do it. I do it because my kids need me, I do it because I want Brandon to know that I can handle the shit that the deployment throws at us, and that has to be good enough, because damn it, there are some days that I just don't want to change another effing diaper, or that I don't want to get up in the middle of the night because Gaby needs tylenol. Mainly it's just knowing that if Brandon was home I would have help, support, and some one to help make the days and nights better. Knowing that if a day is good, it could have been better had he bee there, or that a long night would have been easier if I could have him wrap his arms around me and kiss me back to sleep. The deployment is hitting me hard lately and I know that most women hit a low point around the four month mark which, tada, is right where we are at. its like yeah we made it four months... but we have so long to go. I have to struggle with my inner spoiled rotten wife and not throw a tantrum some days because all I want Brandon to do is pay attention to me, not play stupid poker or wwe 2011 with his friends. Luckily for both of us the deployment is teaching me some patience and understanding, because I know that he needs that time with his friends to wind down after the long days that they have to deal with, and that he always skype kisses me and the girls good night, so I know I have it really good, and I know he deserves a break. All I want to do is just have him home. I want to touch his face and kiss his lips and fall asleep in his arms, whoever said that body pillows help, you're a liar!!! Some days I wake up and force myself out of bed and to the gym, or to PWOC, some days I am up before the sun and just ready to knock another day off this seemingly never ending calender on my wall, but either way, the day passes, and we are one day closer to him being home, and to looking back on these days and thanking God for the growth and strength that he has given us through this experience. I am so thankful to have been blessed with a husband that makes this process as easy as it can be, that communicates with me, and that keeps a smile on my face whether its through a silly comment, a skype conversation, or one of our many unforgettable memories. I guess the point of this blog is that I'm strong because I have to be, but I am in love because with brandon its as easy as breathing. I can make it through the hard days because I have God, my family, memories, and the knowledge that when Brandon gets home, I have so much to look forward to.

back at it

it's been a few days since my last post, for the awesome reason that I have been way too tired for keeping so busy that I just want to sleep!! I have been really active in the community lately, trying to get involved with the FRG and getting out and meeting people, going to every event the base has to offer. Let me just say this, it is amazing home fast you meet people and how fast the day passes when you don't get home until 5 and you wonder where the day went. I hit the gym last week and I have been going ever since. Can I just shout from the rooftops how much I missed running, classes, and the sauna?? Give me three weeks and I am positive that I will be ready to step out on Waikiki beach with Brandon on his R&R in a bikini and have people wonder how we adopted kids that look so much like us (or since they look like brandon they will think he traded his wife in for a sexy new woman!) . I feel like I have been going a thousand miles an hour, but its been nice because I NEED this, I need to get out I need to make this deployment go by fast and I need to remember what its like to be Marlana, to have things to talk about other than diapers and potty training. I love sitting down at the computer to skype with my super soldier and having just as much to talk about as he does, instead of hoping that I am interesting to him. Its nice. I am going to start blogging every night or so again too so that I can actually have something worth checking out every couple days rather than every couple weeks!

One Love

Today is Gaby's 3rd birthday. I can't even believe that its been three years already since the first time that I held my daughter. The day of her birth was one of the most amazing days I have ever experienced. Brandon and I got not sleep that night. He held me through the contractions for ten hours, walked the halls with me, told me he was proud of me, kissed my head. I remember thinking, this man is the bet husband in the world, and I know he is going to make an even better father. I remember thanking God that I decided that I did want to have kids for him, because he deserved to be a father. I remember taking our last picture as just the two of us and thinking, its not the end of something, its the beginning.

  After that first ten hours, I thought I was doing pretty good, until they checked me. I swear those nurses TRY to make it hurt!! After she finished assaulting me, i assumed she was going to tell me that I was at like, a five or six at least... nope. I was STILL at a two. After a month at two and being induced five days late because of a stubborn baby girl, I was mad! I cried. Brandon got scared. I got an epidural. Happiness ensued. Seriously, those things should come with a happy face sticker on them. After another five hours, some very embarrassing conversations enhanced by drugs, and quite a few uncontrollable naps, I felt like maybe I wanted to push. The nurses told me that my midwife had gone to get her hair done, and would be back when the baby was ready. I was mad. They check me, Gaby is face up, I'm at an 8. They pushed and pulled on my tummy to get her to turn and it did not feel good so..... I yelled at the nurses, cried to my husband, kicked everyone out and fell asleep again. I woke up at 520. I remember telling Brandon it hurts. The nurse checked me and tell me Gaby turned to the proper position and they say, you are ready to push. Sue comes in, fresh from the hairdresser at 530. We started to push. I wish I could say I remember it all but I don't. I had a really good epidural. I do remember them asking me if I wanted to feel her coming out and thinking, umm... I am! But they meant touching her head as she came out. I wasn't interested. I remember her feeling her shoulders coming out, two pops, not painful, just weird. I had told them to clean her up before they gave her to me so they did. It seemed like forever, but after 23 minutes, she was out and took her first breath in the world at 553 pm.

I remember being so scared because she didn't cry. I kept asking, why isn't she crying, why isn't she crying. Sue kept telling me that she was fine and she was perfect, and I didn't believe her. Then I heard her, I heard her screaming and I cried. I cried tears of pure raw joy for the first time in my life. Brandon cried with me, I thanked God. Our doctor scolded the nurse because she was holding Gaby telling her how pretty she was, telling her that we should be able to see our pretty baby too.

They gave her to us and she was perfect. I was thinking, who's baby is this? She looked so different than I pictured her, she was even prettier than I imagined. I must have told her I loved her over a million times and Brandon too. He looked so beautiful to me, puffy eyes and all, because I had never seen him so happy in the seven years that I had known him. I fell even deeper in love with him. Our little Gabrielle Marley was a perfect 7 pounds, 7.2 oz and 19 7/8 inches long. I will never forget Brandon holding her for the first time and saying, "am I doing this right?" I laughed as I was still crying. Family and friends came in and took pics and talked to us, gave gifts and told us how pretty she was. I was grateful that we were so blessed, but ready to be alone with my husband and my daughter. I loved seeing my husband as a father. Right from the start, he knew how to be an amazing dad, he held her and played with her and stared at her. We both did.

After Brandon finally fell asleep, I held my sleeping daughter and felt my heart ache. It wasn't a bad ache, it was a good one. It was the feeling of my body making sure that my heart held enough room for all the love and devotion that was growing in me looking at that little girl. She had my heart from the moment I looked at her and saw her looking back at me, knowing that I was looking into a part of me and that she had to know that I was the one that cared for her while she grew, that had her because I wanted to have her, and that would watch the world burn if it meant I could keep her from ever feeling pain. I talked to God that night, like I do every night, and just thanked him for completing me in such a way. I had everything. I was blessed and loved and happy, and I couldn't ask for more.

When we took her home, I remember thinking, they are trusting us to know what to do? We have never done this before!! But not only did we manage, we thrived. I learned how to breastfeed slowly and painfully. Brandon learned that if you hold a naked baby while her bath is running, she will more than likely pee on you. We learned that once they start rolling you never stop running.We learned that fits and tantrums are inevitable, as are hugs and kisses and giggles that make you so happy you cant take it.  Our baby isn't a baby anymore. She is becoming an amazing little girl, with endless energy, that loves to sing bruno mars, that knows that her daddy helps people in ghanstan and eats cheeseburgers and is pretty sure that she is going to marry buzz lightyear one day. I love her, and I need her more than she needs me. I thank God for her everyday, and I get excited for the times that she still wants me to hold her when she falls asleep, because it reminds me of that day, her birthday, when she was mine and nothing was better than being swaddled and snuggled by mommy. Happy Birthday to my little girl, my one love, my heart. I love you booski.

Can U Help Me

   Junior year, here we are again. Its Winterball, and even though I have started dating a guy that has long since become nameless and faceless to me, I still ask Brandon to go with me. Why, may you ask? Simple answer... I love his company, more than anyone else company, and to be honest, far far more than faceless guy's company. Of course there is a Dru Hill song involved, because they had come out with a new song and a new single, I Should Be. Of course he burned me a copy of the CD right when it came out, and told me to listen to it, and of course it made me smile like I just won the lottery, but that night when he sang it in my ear I couldn't imagine anyone singing it any better... sorry Sisqo. But the title of this one is Can U Help Me. The dance was really fun. We took super cute pics, danced all night. Spent time with my high school bff. I know I said in the Beauty blog that I fell in love... and I did. I really did. But then, and even now, he scared the shit out of me. Real talk. How crazy is that to be 15-16 years old and know that you found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? So I denied it. Thought it was just puppy love, or a crush. That night though, on the cafeteria turned dance floor, we danced to Usher. Can U Help Me. Oh lord. The way his hands felt around my waist, the way the skin on his neck was so hot under my fingertips from dancing all night, and the way his breath and lips felt on my ear while we sang that song to each other under our breath, I knew I couldn't put that off as a crush anymore. I was in love. I mean, unconditional, unchanging, and unending love. That forever kind of thing. That night when the dance ended, I never wanted to leave, didn't want my future mother in law dropping me off at some Christmas party that I didn't want to go to, to spend the night in the company of people that pretty simply, could not compare on their best day, to how I felt with Brandon even on his worst.

february

Ok so I know that February is half over now, and don't get me wrong I am super happy that the month has slipped past so quickly, but holy cow it went fast! So I never finished my recipe scrapbook that was my last months goal, but I did buy a really awesome when we took our little mini vacation to the states, which was really nice, and it has over 650 recipes for ten dollars (yay me!). Right now I am in the works to get gaby's big three ready. I have big plans for this party, which are, at the moment, being cramped due to my decision to have her party in Germany, where they don't deliver the gift that she wants and where I am struggling to find the right decor and fun stuff to make the party really pop, but knowing me, we will get there in the end and it will be an amazing event for my little girl. I want to make it amazing for her, and I set it at a time where brandon can skype with us so that he can "be" here too. Its going to break my heart for him that he can't pick her up and tell her happy birthday, and give her hugs and kisses, but thank the lord for modern technology that he can at least see it and see her, and she can know that even with him far away, we are still his top priority. February is half over, and I can't even explain how happy that makes me, because thats just one more month down!

These are the Times We all Wish for...

Fast forward. Its Homecoming time at Davis High School, Brandon and I are sophomores, and we are not really boyfriend and girlfriend, because we hadn't "asked" each other yet. Its a cold night at Zaepfel Staduim (yes I googled it, its been six years!!), and despite me and my girls best cheering efforts, our beloved Davis Pirates lost the game. As Renisha and I are walking off the track, so is he. It was pretty much an every weekend thing that I stayed the night at her house since she lived right across the street from the stadium, so she tells me that I can give him her number so we can talk on the phone while I am there. I must have been the worst guest ever that night because I stayed on the phone with him the WHOLE night, well almost. It still cracks me up to remember Renisha's mom come out and tell me to get off her phone that late... in her defense, it was almost four am. But before we hung up, he asked me to Homecoming, and of course, I said yes.
   It was our first date, finally. We decided to go with a really pretty maroon color, and I got myself a dress that was pretty and fitted. The girls and I got our eyebrows waxed for the first time ever, and I finally learned the meaning of pain is beauty. I wanted to look more than pretty though, I wanted to look gorgeous, I wanted him to never forget our first date. The morning of the dance I was so pathetically giddy. I bragged to the nail lady, who probably couldn't even understand me, about my date that night, smiling the whole time. The girl that did my makeup got the same story, but she wasn't that much older than me so she was just as chatty, and when she asked me if I liked him, I said, more than anyone else in the world. And I put my head down and smiled. My mom drove me home, I put the dress on and we did my hair. I was perfect. I was also perfectly nervous. I played some 007 on the Nintendo 64, because killing your little brother with the golden gun and making him cry is always a good way to settle your nerves. When he knocked my heart was beating a million miles an hour, and I made my mom open the door.
   He looked amazing. Fresh haircut, his red matched that of my dress perfect, he had a pretty little corsage for my hand and he was smiling MY smile, the one that makes me smile just seeing it. We took pictures and my parents met his dad for the first time. Then we had Chinese food.  I think we were both nervous because it was the first time that we had spent time really alone outside of the courtyard, but after a few minutes, we were talking about everything, from the homecoming game, to homework, to how good we both looked. We were young, and a little shallow, but it was perfect. At the dance we danced all night, he didn't dance with anyone but me and I loved it, because he wanted to give me and only me all of his attention. He got my drinks, he spun me around the dance floor, he sung along to the songs, and I just could not imagine that anyone there wouldn't have been jealous, because I just knew that no one was happier than me that night.
  After we left, he had his dad take me home, and always the gentleman, he walked me to my door, and kissed my cheek. I swear it burned into me. That was the first night I stayed up all night thinking of a boy.

walks by me everyday... her and love are the same.

     This blog begins in September of 2000. In quite possibly, the worst place in the world... Math class. Mr. Rau's pre-algebra class was pretty much my least favorite place to be, due to the fact that I loathe the subject entirely. Even as a 14 year old kid I knew that I didn't care to work with numbers... thats what accountants are for right? Well, for this reason, I hardly ever went to class, and if I was, I was late. I had the best friend a carefree girl could have. Renisha Allen. She talked some sense into my ass, telling me the obvious. If I didn't pay attention and get my shit together, I would get awful grades, not graduate, and pretty much never amount to anything. So, I started going to class, paying attention, doing my work.
       And I noticed him. Not that I hadn't noticed him before, because I had. I noticed his hair. Oh GOD all that hair lol. I remember thinking, why the hell is his hair orange? I noticed his clothes too, another eww. Thank the Lord he got comfortable with himself and started dressing the way he does now. I remember the first thing he said to me, you might be thinking, awwww... don't. He was so rude! It was, and I quote "why are you always late, why do you even bother coming?" and I thought... Why do you even care? But then I saw him smile. All these years later, I still remember the way that his teeth glinted in that crappy light, the way his cheeks made his eyes squint. And then I noticed his eyes. They were so pretty. His eyelashes were so long and black, and his eyes were so brown, so dark brown, but they shined.
      I thought he was beautiful. We would talk, chit chat, nothing more really, just small talk, just so that I could make him smile, I loved seeing it so much. Then one day it happened. It was customary back in the day to bring your CD player to school, since, you know, we didn't have iPods yet.  I asked him what he was listening to, and he said Dru Hill. I told him I loved THEM. To a true Dru Hill fan, this is a HUGE distinction, huge because most people thought (and still, irritatingly enough, think) that Dru Hill was Sisqo. This was a big deal to us because we both knew they were a bad, and we both knew their songs. We talked about them for such a long time that day. He told me to listen to Beauty.
     Even though I pushed it off as a crush... I had fallen in love.

It's not strength, what I have.

I have a lot of people that are telling me that they admire my strength, or that they are proud of me for getting through this deployment and taking care of the girls so well, and while its flattering, and it definitely makes me feel stronger than I am, I don't think that me handling this is because I am strong. I have seen many women that I would consider stronger than me go through deployments and some made it and some didn't. Some people are better equipped to deal with the stress and the emotions that I am too. I am making it, and I am GOING to make it, because my husband is something I cannot live without. Maybe that is my strength, my love, but thats really all that I can say that I know is my light through this. I love Brandon. Truly, unconditionally, and completely. I can't see a day where I would want to be without him. I can't imagine looking into the eyes of anyone else while I am going through labor, I can't imagine someone else having their arms around me while I sleep at night, I can't imagine going through life, watching my daughters grow hand in hand with any one, but him. I know in my heart and in my head that a year without him is better than a hundred with someone that could never be to me what he is. I would, quite literally, wait forever for this man, if it meant that I could have him back with me. I am so in love that a skype chat keeps me warm at night, and a facebook message keeps a smile on my face all day. I honestly feel like this deployment is going to last forever some days, and I have to admit, i get overwhelmed with how much I miss him. But that just further lets me know that we belong together, and that waiting this small portion of forever for him to come home is totally worth the sadness, frustration, and loneliness that I have, and will encounter through this process. My love is the strongest part of me, its like a muscle that I constantly flex, because I am so proud and happy with the results of the hard work and dedication that Brandon and I have put into it. So it might not be strength, but its more than enough.

is this a midlife crisis?

I just turned 25... I feel younger and older than that at the same time if thats even possible. I feel like I am younger than that because I still feel like I want a lot of the same things that I wanted in high school. I still want to go to the beach in the summer time, I still want to go out with my friends and have a drink every now and then, I still want to graduate from college with a bachelors and make millions my first year out. I feel older than that because I have a lot of responsibility. I am a wife and a mother of two. I know that I have to show some restraint and take care of the priorities in my life before I go out with my friends. I know that most jobs that I make are most definitely not going to make me millions (although for the price of college nowadays they most definitely should!). I have a lot of goals that I still want to accomplish. Which I think no matter the age people should have goals to help them stay young. I don't believe in settling either, which means that this army life is a little bit of a hard pill to swallow, because it FORCES you to swallow your pride at times and settle. I have to settle for going to a school that I don't really care to go to, I have to settle for living in the projects known as Smith Barracks in the middle of brown cow and windmill country Germany, I have to settle for living a year without the man that makes me smile. That being said, I am trying to one up the army and see things cup half full or whatever analogy suits you best and see the good in things. I am going to find myself a good cooking school, so I can learn to do my favorite thing, and so that I can get a degree too teach other army wives and cater events for people. That way, I can make a ton of money, work from home, finish my communications degree at the same time, and someday at least make one of those millions, I can dream right? I can live with smith barracks too, because I have a lot of awesome friends living with me here, and hey its only a matter of time before we move into a real house. PCSing brings new things, and I am so ready for them. As for Germany, I am in the middle of Europe!! I plan to travel, travel, travel... with friends and family. get my fill of things I would never otherwise see (umm hello paris, rome, venice, greece?). As for the taking my super soldier part... that one is really hard to be positive about but I do try. I know he is doing this for us, and that he believes in what he is doing, so that helps a lot, and knowing that God will see us through will help me through the rest. The skype dates keep things fresh, I love to see him and make him smile, our communication level will be untouchable after this, and I will be able to do the things I need to do to better myself educationally while he is gone to be an even better wife than I am now. It's like although I owe the army a middle finger for the pain and frustration it gives me, I owe it a hug too for helping us grow. Maybe this is less of a midlife crisis and more of a growing moment, maybe its less being 25 and more being alone with my thoughts for too long. I just want to accomplish goals and be a good wife and mother, so I guess thats not too bad...

Keeping Busy In January!

So I am trying to do everything I can to make my days go by faster. I am thinking of goals or projects to do for each month, because if I give myself one whole month to do something big, either I am going to not have enough time to do it the way I really want to so it will have to spill into the next, or I will have a lot of met goals that have really ridiculous attention to detail! Either way its a win for me, and essentially for my family. I have decided that January will be my cookbook making month. One of my to do's for when Brandon gets home is to have a half a million (maybe not that many but, you know.) recipes so that I'm not making the same awesome but repetitive meals every week. I think that I will try to put at least two a day into my book, like maybe a dessert and a supper! Since Brandon is really big on being, and staying healthy once this deployment is over I think that I will try to find the meals that will help to keep us healthiest, and the ones that can't we can work out at the gym, or at home, whichever ;) Gym time is a must all through this deployment and after, so bring on the taste testing. I am going to start my scrapbook cookbook off right by watching Julie and Julia. SUCH a girlie movie, and I usually am not one for the chick flicks, but this one is pretty awesome... it "spoke to me" because I too love to cook, and I too have no idea where my life is going or what exactly to do with it, especially since choosing to love my super soldier has me moving not just across the country but across the world. Anyways, the main character decides to do all the recipes in the cookbook and finds herself along the way. So here's to a new cookbook for new meals for my family! Don't expect any german cuisine though, I am not one for pork, and it seems that they love to kill pigs for food. Now if I could make a turkish wrap, we'd be good! I am actually really excited to go get the stuff to make my scrapbook cookbook and get this started!