So, I decided that today I am going to do something that I normally don't do, and just blog about things that I normally keep to myself. I feel like my life is going a thousand miles an hour right now. My Gaby girl just had her first day of pre-school and she loved it. Dru baby is going to be two months old in a few more days. Its already September. The end of the year is usually my favorite time of year. It reminds me of falling leaves, crisp weather, driving to school in a Scion TC with Brandon, Holidays, and looking to the future with hope and happiness.
This year is a little different for me though because this year I have to worry about my husband possibly being deployed. I have never been more scared of anything in my life. I don't talk to people about it, because I can't stand talking about it, thinking about it, dreaming about it, anymore than I already do. I think the thing I hate the most, and the main reason that I don't talk about it is that most people have no idea what its like to hear the words, "I'm going to be deployed". How your heart stops and you have to think about every holiday and milestone he is going to miss with me and the kids, how every day I will be waiting by the phone for that call, just to know that he is safe, how every time some one knocks on the door my heart will stop, until I know its not the chaplain standing on the other side.
If I hear one more person tell me it will go by fast I think I might lose my mind. I mean really, how fast would time go by if it was your husband leaving for 12 months? I'm worried about my kids, and how it will affect them, because kids know so much more than most people give them credit for. Dru will only know her daddy by a skype video. I feel like we are going to lose a whole year of our lives, for a war that I can't honestly say that I support. My family is not a car drive away, it takes no less than ten hours on an airplane to get home and that is the only way that I can get there. I can't help my sister plan her wedding unless we manage to find a time within the nine hour time zone difference when we are both not busy doing something. I can't talk to Brandon about it, because he is infinitely more mature about the situation than me. I want to ball my hands up in fists and kick and hit the floor and say no,no,no!!! and he is able to be positive and try to make the best of it, and I can't stand to hurt his feelings or make him mad with my mood, because I can't imagine fighting with him, i want to spend all of our time being happy and pretending that everything is always going to be normal, he'll always be home at five, kiss me goodnight. It's hard to hold to these sweet little dreams though when your required to make a will and go over life insurance at the age of 24, not because its a good idea if a freak accident happens and he's hurt or killed, but because if your job is to go to war, your life is just collateral damage. I never thought I'd see the day that I'd rather have my husband fall out of love with me because he was away for too long, than for him to never go home.
I think the main reason that I am able to not just sit around and cry and complain is because I have an amazing family and friends. I trust my husband completely with all of my heart. I have two amazing little girls to watch and record growing. Mainly, its that I know that the majority of my fears are based in my mind getting the best of me. Things are always going to grow and change, and there are going to be things that I don't like, but the fact of the matter is, its not going to change that they happen. So I can either be negative and cry about it, or be positive and do what I can to get through it with the help of God, my family and friends.
Thankfully I am intelligent enough to choose happiness.
