yes, I can be reclusive.

Have you ever had a day where you just feel like turning off the phone and the chat option on the computer and just not talking to anyone? I do. I have them a lot actually. I admit to avoiding company at times. There are days when I yearn for company, and then I get it, and all I want to do is get back to being alone. I know it sounds weird, but a lot of the time I feel like I'm not really understood by anyone, and I just don't have the patience to sit it out and explain my thoughts and feelings. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my friends, and I love my family. I love spending time with people and making memories, and feeling like I have a bond with people. I just feel like I am in the middle of two different worlds sometimes and I almost always have about a million things going through my head. Unlike a lot of people I don't like to talk about it. If I have an issue with something I tend to work it out between God and I, instead of reaching out to others for help and guidance. I prefer to hang out with people when I am in a good mood, when I am having fun and happy. Its strange because people tell me a lot that they like to talk to me because I know just what to say, or that I give good advise, and I really do like knowing that I can be that go to person that is helpful to my friends and family, its just that for me, I hate to be a burden on people, I hate to bring down the mood, I feel that being positive in situations tends to be better than being negative in the same situations, so when I have a fall back moment and I get down on something or I just wanna be a crybaby about something, I tend to want to be alone with my thoughts and work it out so that I am not bringing people down with me. I know it sounds kind of silly, because most people like to feel like they have support and help around them all the time. I know that I have that in the people that I have surrounded myself with, and I am so grateful, but lets just say I don't wan to take advantage of it. I have come across so many people in my life that want and need the attention that I shun during the down times, and then in the same situation, when I just needed to vent, told me to just get over it and that I am not the only one that has gone through this and on and on, so I guess thats another reason for me to just want to be alone in my thoughts. So if there is a day when I don't answer the phone, or i don't answer on chat... its not because I don't like you, or I don't wan to be friends anymore. Honestly its probably just because I am playing with gaby or just because I need my time to just reflect and center. I truly am a happy and loving person, I just need space like anyone else sometimes. I guess I can be reclusive at times, but lets face it, I have a lot to deal with in this life of mine. Do I need to open up more? Maybe. i guess that would help with the whole, feeling misunderstood thing... but on the other hand, I like knowing that the times that I do open up, i have a few really amazing people that are actually listening and willing to clarify and help when I truly need their time and input. Hopefully this one explains why I can go from one end to the other on the social spectrum ;)

people want to know

So when we found out that we were having Dru, we waited a good, 8 weeks to tell people. I know a lot of people were wondering why, and there are actually quite a few reasons. This first is pretty simple, there are like 20 other people that we know that are having kids within three months of us, so we just didn't want to get classified as just another pregnant family! Also, that being said, we were willing to wait to share our news, so that others could share theirs without having to share the spotlight. Another reason is that, well, we wanted to be selfish! We wanted to share it with each other and just kind of celebrate as a little family that we were going to be making three, four. One thing that cracks me up is people thinking that we were not telling people because we weren't happy, or that we didn't want her. Dru has been wanted since day one, even if she wasn't planned. But honestly, to me, the thought of having another baby scared me to death. I mean, we are living in a different country for heavens sake. Its just the four of us, and no family. We are an army family, and some people seem to forget what that means. It means that in a twelve month period, we are lucky.. LUCKY... if Brandon is home for 9 months out of the year because of training and all that. in a bad year, well, he could be deployed and we could spend the whole year without him. I am about to embark on something that goes even further into what I never expected to do in life than I have already had to deal with. Its easy to look at a dad and just write the guy off for missing a year in the lives of his kids because he walks out on you and them. Its excruciating to look a year alone in the face because your husband is a soldier and he HAS to leave, not because he wants to not because its a way out, but because its his job. Can you imagine being Brandon right know? Knowing that he isn't going to be a constant presence in the lives of his girls, unless its through webcam if the option is available? Our lives are so topsy turvy all the time, and the only thing that's constant is change. So yeah I was a little bit scared, when I found out Dru was coming, who wouldn't be? Right after she arrives we have to say goodbye to daddy for at least 4 weeks because he has training, and then we just have to hope that a deployment doesn't solidify in the near future, amidst all the rumors swirling around.  My question is, how many women do you know that give birth, and then are expected to take care of two children without the help of the father or family, not many right?? This is just something that we have to try to come to terms with everyday, and try to live in the moment so that the time that we do get, is good time, and time that when those separations do arrive, we can look back on and remember so that we have something to hold onto when the loneliness threatens to overtake us. I guess this blog isn't exactly one that is "happy" or upbeat, but maybe it will give some insight to our lives, and why we make some of the choices that we make, and maybe, just maybe, some understanding.

Miss Gaby

Gabrielle Marley Cureton 02/27/08
This is my baby. She's not really a baby anymore, not at all. This little girl took off from day one, the nurses were all singing her praises because she was a newborn already holding up her own head and holding her paci. I have been completely overwhelmed by her since her birth. I think it might be a mom thing, but I just think that she is the mot amazing kid in the world. I was so scared to take her home because I just didn't want to do anything to take away from what she was at the hospital, she was perfect. I didn't want to corrupt her in any way, or allow her to feel any pain, I just wanted to keep her safe and sheltered and I could not believe that they were letting me and Brandon take her home... didn't they know we had never been alone with a newborn?!?! Looking back now I laugh because mothering came so easily to me, breastfeeding.. not so much, but mothering yes. She taught me more in the last two years than I think I've learned my whole life. She taught me that sometimes all you need is a nap or someone to make you laugh when you feel like crying, and if that doesn't work, well eating usually does the trick ;) When Brandon left, she was my little angel. She held me when I would cry, she played with me when I couldn't find the motivation to do anything, she showed me that making the best of a situation is far better than dwelling on things you can't change. I want my little girl to know how much I love her, and I tell her all the time. She can be the biggest brat in the whole world, throw fits, whine, and then she comes and tells me she loves me and I realize that she is growing, learning, changing, and that I am so lucky to be the one to share that with her because I get to do my best to try to meet that goal I had in the hospital of keeping her as close to perfect as possible. Parents are a childs first insight into the world and how it works, and she helps me to keep my head up and be a better person, to fight the battles that need to be fought and stand up for my beliefs, to be respectful and kind to others, to talk to people instead of talking about people, to judge based on character rather than looks. Because what it comes down to, is that kids love to be like their parents, and I don't want my daughter to look up to me if I am not at my best. I love that she looks just like her daddy, that they yawn the same, and that they smile the same. I love that she laughs in her sleep and that she hates getting her hair done, even if it looks soo pretty! I love how her k's sound like ch's and that she learns new words all the time. She is so smart and I can't imagine life without her! My baby really isn't a baby anymore, but thats ok, because she is going to be an amazing woman!

Cureton Company

Brandon and Marlana. Its funny even when I write I put him first. He is amazing, never ceases to amaze me. I remember meeting him, all those years ago, and thinking he had the prettiest smile that I had ever seen. And he was NOSY! lol he was always asking me questions and trying to see what I had playing on my CD player (oh yes, it was back in the time of CD players!) Thank GOD for Renisha, because between me not thinking a girl should make a move on a guy, and Brandon being so shy, we never would have gotten past talking in class. I remember her mom yelled at me to get off her phone after that first night of talking after i gave him her number to call me after that football game. We talked for hours, about everything and nothing, and I never ever once got bored or tired, and can you believe it, all these years later, I still never tire of hearing what he has to say to me. I went out with him for his birthday way back in 05, and on that night I think we both got sick of the back and forth and being friends or just a little more, because ever since then we have been joined at the hip. Harry Potter 3, you will always be my favorite Harry Potter movie :D His love has always scared me, because its pure, and honest, and of course, the most powerful thing I have EVER experienced. He asked me to marry him the same place he got the phone number that started our all night conversations, and of course, right there at zeaphel stadium, i acted like a giddy cheerleader once again and said yes before he had a chance to even finish the speech he had prepared for me. On September 1, 2007 I swore to the world what I had known since listening to Dru Hill CDs in Mr. Rau's pre algebra class... that I was his, and forever. Right around the corner, while winter was steadily turning to spring, fashionably late of course, came our daughter, miss Gabrielle Marley Cureton February 27th, 2008. My life changed exponentially that day. I was a mother. Brandon was a father, we were three. As i sat there in the chair that first night holding my daughter, I looked at my husband and CRIED. I mean, I really cried. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life, and its because he was there, as always, giving me everything I wanted. I felt complete. Fast forward to May 31st, 2009 one of the hardest days of my life. I sat in the car, darkest sunglasses on that I could find, because I didn't want him to see me cry. Once again, Brandon is making huge sacrifices for out little family. You see, this is the day we left him at the airport so that he could leave for boot camp. The hardest thing I've done, was also one of the most amazing things WE have done. Fast forward another four months and you find us in Virginia, and once again, I am holding back tears, but these are good tears, because the man I left at the airport is no longer just my husband or Gaby's daddy, but he is now an American Soldier. Next up, we move to Germany and find out we are going to be parents again, t another beautiful little girl. We are going to name her Dru Kekili Cureton, she is due at the end of July and although we didn't know it then, we know now that something was missing, and she filled that missing part already, and we can't wait to meet her!! Gaby is going to be the best big sister ever. She is so smart, so beautiful, and so loving. Brandon of course is going to continue being an amazing daddy. We are a little family that defies the odds everyday. This life we are living in the army is HARD. The separations are killer because we are so close, but luckily for me, we can handle everything that is thrown at us either hand in hand, letter by letter, or webcam by webcam, and I am so exponentially blessed because of what God has given to me!