10 June 2010

yes, I can be reclusive.

Have you ever had a day where you just feel like turning off the phone and the chat option on the computer and just not talking to anyone? I do. I have them a lot actually. I admit to avoiding company at times. There are days when I yearn for company, and then I get it, and all I want to do is get back to being alone. I know it sounds weird, but a lot of the time I feel like I'm not really understood by anyone, and I just don't have the patience to sit it out and explain my thoughts and feelings. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my friends, and I love my family. I love spending time with people and making memories, and feeling like I have a bond with people. I just feel like I am in the middle of two different worlds sometimes and I almost always have about a million things going through my head. Unlike a lot of people I don't like to talk about it. If I have an issue with something I tend to work it out between God and I, instead of reaching out to others for help and guidance. I prefer to hang out with people when I am in a good mood, when I am having fun and happy. Its strange because people tell me a lot that they like to talk to me because I know just what to say, or that I give good advise, and I really do like knowing that I can be that go to person that is helpful to my friends and family, its just that for me, I hate to be a burden on people, I hate to bring down the mood, I feel that being positive in situations tends to be better than being negative in the same situations, so when I have a fall back moment and I get down on something or I just wanna be a crybaby about something, I tend to want to be alone with my thoughts and work it out so that I am not bringing people down with me. I know it sounds kind of silly, because most people like to feel like they have support and help around them all the time. I know that I have that in the people that I have surrounded myself with, and I am so grateful, but lets just say I don't wan to take advantage of it. I have come across so many people in my life that want and need the attention that I shun during the down times, and then in the same situation, when I just needed to vent, told me to just get over it and that I am not the only one that has gone through this and on and on, so I guess thats another reason for me to just want to be alone in my thoughts. So if there is a day when I don't answer the phone, or i don't answer on chat... its not because I don't like you, or I don't wan to be friends anymore. Honestly its probably just because I am playing with gaby or just because I need my time to just reflect and center. I truly am a happy and loving person, I just need space like anyone else sometimes. I guess I can be reclusive at times, but lets face it, I have a lot to deal with in this life of mine. Do I need to open up more? Maybe. i guess that would help with the whole, feeling misunderstood thing... but on the other hand, I like knowing that the times that I do open up, i have a few really amazing people that are actually listening and willing to clarify and help when I truly need their time and input. Hopefully this one explains why I can go from one end to the other on the social spectrum ;)

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