One Love

Today is Gaby's 3rd birthday. I can't even believe that its been three years already since the first time that I held my daughter. The day of her birth was one of the most amazing days I have ever experienced. Brandon and I got not sleep that night. He held me through the contractions for ten hours, walked the halls with me, told me he was proud of me, kissed my head. I remember thinking, this man is the bet husband in the world, and I know he is going to make an even better father. I remember thanking God that I decided that I did want to have kids for him, because he deserved to be a father. I remember taking our last picture as just the two of us and thinking, its not the end of something, its the beginning.

  After that first ten hours, I thought I was doing pretty good, until they checked me. I swear those nurses TRY to make it hurt!! After she finished assaulting me, i assumed she was going to tell me that I was at like, a five or six at least... nope. I was STILL at a two. After a month at two and being induced five days late because of a stubborn baby girl, I was mad! I cried. Brandon got scared. I got an epidural. Happiness ensued. Seriously, those things should come with a happy face sticker on them. After another five hours, some very embarrassing conversations enhanced by drugs, and quite a few uncontrollable naps, I felt like maybe I wanted to push. The nurses told me that my midwife had gone to get her hair done, and would be back when the baby was ready. I was mad. They check me, Gaby is face up, I'm at an 8. They pushed and pulled on my tummy to get her to turn and it did not feel good so..... I yelled at the nurses, cried to my husband, kicked everyone out and fell asleep again. I woke up at 520. I remember telling Brandon it hurts. The nurse checked me and tell me Gaby turned to the proper position and they say, you are ready to push. Sue comes in, fresh from the hairdresser at 530. We started to push. I wish I could say I remember it all but I don't. I had a really good epidural. I do remember them asking me if I wanted to feel her coming out and thinking, umm... I am! But they meant touching her head as she came out. I wasn't interested. I remember her feeling her shoulders coming out, two pops, not painful, just weird. I had told them to clean her up before they gave her to me so they did. It seemed like forever, but after 23 minutes, she was out and took her first breath in the world at 553 pm.

I remember being so scared because she didn't cry. I kept asking, why isn't she crying, why isn't she crying. Sue kept telling me that she was fine and she was perfect, and I didn't believe her. Then I heard her, I heard her screaming and I cried. I cried tears of pure raw joy for the first time in my life. Brandon cried with me, I thanked God. Our doctor scolded the nurse because she was holding Gaby telling her how pretty she was, telling her that we should be able to see our pretty baby too.

They gave her to us and she was perfect. I was thinking, who's baby is this? She looked so different than I pictured her, she was even prettier than I imagined. I must have told her I loved her over a million times and Brandon too. He looked so beautiful to me, puffy eyes and all, because I had never seen him so happy in the seven years that I had known him. I fell even deeper in love with him. Our little Gabrielle Marley was a perfect 7 pounds, 7.2 oz and 19 7/8 inches long. I will never forget Brandon holding her for the first time and saying, "am I doing this right?" I laughed as I was still crying. Family and friends came in and took pics and talked to us, gave gifts and told us how pretty she was. I was grateful that we were so blessed, but ready to be alone with my husband and my daughter. I loved seeing my husband as a father. Right from the start, he knew how to be an amazing dad, he held her and played with her and stared at her. We both did.

After Brandon finally fell asleep, I held my sleeping daughter and felt my heart ache. It wasn't a bad ache, it was a good one. It was the feeling of my body making sure that my heart held enough room for all the love and devotion that was growing in me looking at that little girl. She had my heart from the moment I looked at her and saw her looking back at me, knowing that I was looking into a part of me and that she had to know that I was the one that cared for her while she grew, that had her because I wanted to have her, and that would watch the world burn if it meant I could keep her from ever feeling pain. I talked to God that night, like I do every night, and just thanked him for completing me in such a way. I had everything. I was blessed and loved and happy, and I couldn't ask for more.

When we took her home, I remember thinking, they are trusting us to know what to do? We have never done this before!! But not only did we manage, we thrived. I learned how to breastfeed slowly and painfully. Brandon learned that if you hold a naked baby while her bath is running, she will more than likely pee on you. We learned that once they start rolling you never stop running.We learned that fits and tantrums are inevitable, as are hugs and kisses and giggles that make you so happy you cant take it.  Our baby isn't a baby anymore. She is becoming an amazing little girl, with endless energy, that loves to sing bruno mars, that knows that her daddy helps people in ghanstan and eats cheeseburgers and is pretty sure that she is going to marry buzz lightyear one day. I love her, and I need her more than she needs me. I thank God for her everyday, and I get excited for the times that she still wants me to hold her when she falls asleep, because it reminds me of that day, her birthday, when she was mine and nothing was better than being swaddled and snuggled by mommy. Happy Birthday to my little girl, my one love, my heart. I love you booski.

Can U Help Me

   Junior year, here we are again. Its Winterball, and even though I have started dating a guy that has long since become nameless and faceless to me, I still ask Brandon to go with me. Why, may you ask? Simple answer... I love his company, more than anyone else company, and to be honest, far far more than faceless guy's company. Of course there is a Dru Hill song involved, because they had come out with a new song and a new single, I Should Be. Of course he burned me a copy of the CD right when it came out, and told me to listen to it, and of course it made me smile like I just won the lottery, but that night when he sang it in my ear I couldn't imagine anyone singing it any better... sorry Sisqo. But the title of this one is Can U Help Me. The dance was really fun. We took super cute pics, danced all night. Spent time with my high school bff. I know I said in the Beauty blog that I fell in love... and I did. I really did. But then, and even now, he scared the shit out of me. Real talk. How crazy is that to be 15-16 years old and know that you found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? So I denied it. Thought it was just puppy love, or a crush. That night though, on the cafeteria turned dance floor, we danced to Usher. Can U Help Me. Oh lord. The way his hands felt around my waist, the way the skin on his neck was so hot under my fingertips from dancing all night, and the way his breath and lips felt on my ear while we sang that song to each other under our breath, I knew I couldn't put that off as a crush anymore. I was in love. I mean, unconditional, unchanging, and unending love. That forever kind of thing. That night when the dance ended, I never wanted to leave, didn't want my future mother in law dropping me off at some Christmas party that I didn't want to go to, to spend the night in the company of people that pretty simply, could not compare on their best day, to how I felt with Brandon even on his worst.

february

Ok so I know that February is half over now, and don't get me wrong I am super happy that the month has slipped past so quickly, but holy cow it went fast! So I never finished my recipe scrapbook that was my last months goal, but I did buy a really awesome when we took our little mini vacation to the states, which was really nice, and it has over 650 recipes for ten dollars (yay me!). Right now I am in the works to get gaby's big three ready. I have big plans for this party, which are, at the moment, being cramped due to my decision to have her party in Germany, where they don't deliver the gift that she wants and where I am struggling to find the right decor and fun stuff to make the party really pop, but knowing me, we will get there in the end and it will be an amazing event for my little girl. I want to make it amazing for her, and I set it at a time where brandon can skype with us so that he can "be" here too. Its going to break my heart for him that he can't pick her up and tell her happy birthday, and give her hugs and kisses, but thank the lord for modern technology that he can at least see it and see her, and she can know that even with him far away, we are still his top priority. February is half over, and I can't even explain how happy that makes me, because thats just one more month down!