Putting my C flag at the top of the mountain.

 Is it really 8 pm, is it really 10 pm? Where did my day go? These are questions that I have been asking myself a LOT lately. Its nice. Conquering this deployment seemed as daunting as trying to climb Mount Everest to me in the beginning, and now, soldier man, the beauties and I are about to take our final steps to the top and break ground at the halfway point in a few days.
   Deployment seems like climbing a mountain to me so far. Its like the day you start you are looking up at this massive thing, its so big that you can't see the top, let alone the other side. At the bottom, you have a ton of people that say they are there for you, that say they will support you, and even though you feel like you couldn't possibly attempt the climb, you move forward.
  Next, you are moving along the base nicely, and there are people that lose interest in what you're doing and they kind of drop off the radar. Those aren't the people that bother me, its normal to go along with your own life, and its good. The ones that bother me, are the ones that are trying to do the climb with you, but are struggling with it. Its in this that we find people that will try to make you quit, or that will be so negative about everything that goes along with it that they aren't stopping to realize that there is good in it too, so they weigh you down.
  I went through this phase, and I could have let myself be drug down by it, but I didn't. I thought about my girls, my husband, and the end of this thing. I made some awesome new friends along this path as well. Its really nice that I have a solid group of people that don't complain about things all the time, that are willing to help me and the girls when we need company or the occasional ride until the TC finally debuts in Germany :) I love knowing that I can count on myself and other people, and Brandon can see that I have been really happy. I have so much to talk about at the end of the day now because I am out making the most of the days with the kids and taking advantage of the things that are being offered for us. We have pretty much no open days because we are out for FRG stuff, Church, or playdates and birthday or scentsy parties (since they are so numerous around here my house is full of the stuff).
  Making it past that part, was like getting a second wind. It was really nice that I had my own personal motivator (soldier man) to get me through everything, to keep me sane, to give me advise. I joke with him all the time that I am trying to start fights with him because we need to be arguing to be "normal".  It was nice to regain that strength through purging the negative out of our day to day, and we were able to get higher and higher and higher. We're to the point now that I realize that I can see the top, not only that, but we are so much stronger through the process too.
   In a few days we will be at the summit and I can say we made it halfway through, we can put the big C flag at the top of this mountain saying we made it, and we will start the decent on this deployment, and we'll probably go through all of this in reverse. People will want to be around again, we will feel like time is speeding up and slowing down and go through a ton of emotions, but once the decent is over, we will know that even though we were going at this from two different sides, we made it together, and we found out strengths that we never knew we had, found the people that we can count on, and conquered something that most of the world couldn't fathom working through.
  Also, its Memorial Day weekend, so I want to just tell all the soldiers of the past present and the future how much value they hold to our country, and how amazing they are for doing what they do, whether it be for family, country, pride, even thrill. You're sacrifices give us the freedoms that we enjoy, thank you. And to Mr. Cureton, you are, always have been, and always will be, my hero. I love you boo.

mother's day.

It's Mother's Day eve, and I'm thinking about my girls. I never thought I would have kids, so it's still a trip for me to know that I have two now. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Gabrielle I was a little shocked because I thought that it would take more than an exact month of trying to get pregnant, and I was a little scared to think that I would be responsible for another life, but most of all I felt happy and excited to step on this new path... motherhood. When she was born she was perfect, we had to wait for the nurse to stop cooing over her telling her how pretty she was to get our chance to look at her. Gaby made me want to be even better than I wanted to be when I got married, I knew I had to give her a good example of a strong beautiful woman inside and out, so that she could grow up and be someone that we (and within her self) could be proud of.

    Finding out I was pregnant with Dru was a totally different ball game. We had literally just walked into the door of our apartment in Germany, our first duty station in the army, 5 days before I found out. It was hard. I was happy but scared. We didn't tell anyone for a long time because one, we were pregnant with everyone and their mother at the same time, and two we wanted to just keep it to ourselves and process for a few weeks. I knew that when we joined the army (yes we, me and the girls are in this too.), we would have to deal with deployments, but when I pictured it it was a vision of me and Gaby somewhere in the states, I was in school or working, we had family come to visit often, and we made it through. Now my picture had me, alone with two kids under the age of three. I'd be lying if I said that I never had days where I wanted to break down and cry, and there were many days I did just that, especially when I got the call in the middle of february saying, "boo, we leave in december." The day Dru was born was stressful, painful, and amazing, but thats for another blog... for now i'll say this. I saw someone that equaled Gaby's beauty for the first time.  

 My heart was rocked when I saw my baby, holding my baby. That's the strongest love imaginable. Its really indescribable how I felt seeing the way Gaby looked holding Dru, it made my heart hurt with how much I loved them.





After we left things were perfect. We were a happy little family of four and I was thankful, but in the back of my head all i thought was, we have only this many months, then this many days before deployment. It really dragged me down, but it also built me up to cherish the moments that I otherwise probably would have just found to be normal parts of the day. It was kind of like a terminal cancer patient making the most of the months they have left. I wanted to do everything and put as much into those four months that I could, because I was dreading being a "single" mom.

     We're into month five of the deployment and I'm sitting here at the computer watching my girls play barbies, share pretzels, and watch Monsters Inc. together. I'm reminiscing over the memories of my journey as a mommy, and I have to say, I am so blessed. There are many days that I second guess myself, or get down because I know that in this or that situation Brandon would have been more fun, or would have handled it better because he has more patience. I get frustrated because I feel like I don't know "Marlana" anymore, just mommy or Mrs. PFC Cureton. I hate feeling like I have nothing but war and barbies to talk about. I curse the army for making me the ONE thing I never wanted to be... a mom raising her kids alone.
      
         But then I remember, I have a pretty awesome husband who is talking DAMN good care of me and our girls, I have family and friends that are a space a flight away if I need a break, and I have God to lean on for those days when I feel like everything sucks. I have a new found appreciation for single mothers, because ladies, you are awesome. I do have a husband helping me and loving me and making my life easier even when he is far away, and this shit is hard, so applause to you, and I hope someone buys you dinner or a drink (or six) for your hard work. Also, for those mothers that are deployed, I feel for you, I know that even though there are days these girls make me want to rip my freakin hair out, but spending that much time away to make their lives the best it can be, you girls are just, amazing. Sacrifice and love like that is rare, and mothers and fathers like you deserve respect and cheers. So Happy Mother's Day to everyone, and I hope that whether your family is together, separated, divorced, whatever... its a day that you can reflect and see that your kids are the reason YOU get to celebrate, so thank them for making you a mommy, love them and pamper them just as much as you expect to be, just be happy to be a mother.

So Sick...

   In the story of Brandon and Marlana, there are many, many more stories that I could tell between junior year and November 05, but I am not posting those. Since they involve the feelings of other people being hurt,  I'm moving along to our second "beginning".

   Brandon called mea few days before his birthday in the fall of 05. As always, we talked on the phone pretty often, but we hadn't really seen each other more than in passing because of school, work and other people. This time was different though. He was asking me out. Even though I was dating at the time, I still thought, this is a date. I put on a cute outfit, did my hair and make up, and the day of his birthday I went over to Las Margaritas and met him and his (my) family for dinner. I got to sit and eat taco's with him and his sister and his mom and just laugh and have a good time. Something I hadn't done in a really long time. This part of my life, up until that day when I turned my back against the world, was "the dark ages". I was a really bad person. Seriously. I used people, I partied a lot, I was a really mean person, I felt like I hated everyone, but most of all I hated myself. I hated who I had become. I was bitter and unhappy with where I was at in my life. I did a Kanye and became a College Dropout, but little did I know you had to have skills as a rapper to be a millionaire with no bachelors degree. Seriously though, I was just coasting along working at journeys, shrugging my shoulders about anything and everything. Going to dinner that night was like breathing after being under water for too long. I felt like my head was clear and happy that I wasn't being smothered for once.

   After dinner was over we went to watch the sunkings game. I don't remember the score, I don't remember who they played, hell I really don't even remember the weather, but I do remember laughing and smiling more than I had in months. More than that, I remember having butterflies. I mean like, damn. I couldn't keep myself from just wanting to giggle. Strait up first crush type of shit. And thats exactly what it was. This was the first guy i ever cared about. The first guy that told me he loved me, the first guy that ever met my parents. I knew again, this is it for me. And this time I didn't run from it. I embraced it with my whole heart. I was fucking scared. I'd never let myself fall before, and I couldn't stand the thought of this guy, this perfect for me in every way guy, hurting me. I also couldn't stand the thought of me hurting him. That night I drove for some reason, and he put in a cd that he brought from his car, it had Ne-Yo So Sick playing on it, and I was really feeling that song hard, because I was so sick of the way things were going, and he had just ended something on his end, it seemed like a weird "beginning" song for us, but the ends of or other things in life that were making us so sick of everything helped us to begin again strong.

   I made a lot of changes and cuts in my life in the following weeks, and it was like a cancer patient going through surgery and chemo, I came out clean and with a new outlook on life. Seriously. I found myself having hopes and dreams and goals again, and looking forward to the future. I wish I could say that I did all that on my own, but I didn't. I mean deep down, I knew I was capable of being the person that I broke free of the BS to become, but he brought it out, and I love him unconditionally and eternally for that.