Putting my C flag at the top of the mountain.

 Is it really 8 pm, is it really 10 pm? Where did my day go? These are questions that I have been asking myself a LOT lately. Its nice. Conquering this deployment seemed as daunting as trying to climb Mount Everest to me in the beginning, and now, soldier man, the beauties and I are about to take our final steps to the top and break ground at the halfway point in a few days.
   Deployment seems like climbing a mountain to me so far. Its like the day you start you are looking up at this massive thing, its so big that you can't see the top, let alone the other side. At the bottom, you have a ton of people that say they are there for you, that say they will support you, and even though you feel like you couldn't possibly attempt the climb, you move forward.
  Next, you are moving along the base nicely, and there are people that lose interest in what you're doing and they kind of drop off the radar. Those aren't the people that bother me, its normal to go along with your own life, and its good. The ones that bother me, are the ones that are trying to do the climb with you, but are struggling with it. Its in this that we find people that will try to make you quit, or that will be so negative about everything that goes along with it that they aren't stopping to realize that there is good in it too, so they weigh you down.
  I went through this phase, and I could have let myself be drug down by it, but I didn't. I thought about my girls, my husband, and the end of this thing. I made some awesome new friends along this path as well. Its really nice that I have a solid group of people that don't complain about things all the time, that are willing to help me and the girls when we need company or the occasional ride until the TC finally debuts in Germany :) I love knowing that I can count on myself and other people, and Brandon can see that I have been really happy. I have so much to talk about at the end of the day now because I am out making the most of the days with the kids and taking advantage of the things that are being offered for us. We have pretty much no open days because we are out for FRG stuff, Church, or playdates and birthday or scentsy parties (since they are so numerous around here my house is full of the stuff).
  Making it past that part, was like getting a second wind. It was really nice that I had my own personal motivator (soldier man) to get me through everything, to keep me sane, to give me advise. I joke with him all the time that I am trying to start fights with him because we need to be arguing to be "normal".  It was nice to regain that strength through purging the negative out of our day to day, and we were able to get higher and higher and higher. We're to the point now that I realize that I can see the top, not only that, but we are so much stronger through the process too.
   In a few days we will be at the summit and I can say we made it halfway through, we can put the big C flag at the top of this mountain saying we made it, and we will start the decent on this deployment, and we'll probably go through all of this in reverse. People will want to be around again, we will feel like time is speeding up and slowing down and go through a ton of emotions, but once the decent is over, we will know that even though we were going at this from two different sides, we made it together, and we found out strengths that we never knew we had, found the people that we can count on, and conquered something that most of the world couldn't fathom working through.
  Also, its Memorial Day weekend, so I want to just tell all the soldiers of the past present and the future how much value they hold to our country, and how amazing they are for doing what they do, whether it be for family, country, pride, even thrill. You're sacrifices give us the freedoms that we enjoy, thank you. And to Mr. Cureton, you are, always have been, and always will be, my hero. I love you boo.

mother's day.

It's Mother's Day eve, and I'm thinking about my girls. I never thought I would have kids, so it's still a trip for me to know that I have two now. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Gabrielle I was a little shocked because I thought that it would take more than an exact month of trying to get pregnant, and I was a little scared to think that I would be responsible for another life, but most of all I felt happy and excited to step on this new path... motherhood. When she was born she was perfect, we had to wait for the nurse to stop cooing over her telling her how pretty she was to get our chance to look at her. Gaby made me want to be even better than I wanted to be when I got married, I knew I had to give her a good example of a strong beautiful woman inside and out, so that she could grow up and be someone that we (and within her self) could be proud of.

    Finding out I was pregnant with Dru was a totally different ball game. We had literally just walked into the door of our apartment in Germany, our first duty station in the army, 5 days before I found out. It was hard. I was happy but scared. We didn't tell anyone for a long time because one, we were pregnant with everyone and their mother at the same time, and two we wanted to just keep it to ourselves and process for a few weeks. I knew that when we joined the army (yes we, me and the girls are in this too.), we would have to deal with deployments, but when I pictured it it was a vision of me and Gaby somewhere in the states, I was in school or working, we had family come to visit often, and we made it through. Now my picture had me, alone with two kids under the age of three. I'd be lying if I said that I never had days where I wanted to break down and cry, and there were many days I did just that, especially when I got the call in the middle of february saying, "boo, we leave in december." The day Dru was born was stressful, painful, and amazing, but thats for another blog... for now i'll say this. I saw someone that equaled Gaby's beauty for the first time.  

 My heart was rocked when I saw my baby, holding my baby. That's the strongest love imaginable. Its really indescribable how I felt seeing the way Gaby looked holding Dru, it made my heart hurt with how much I loved them.





After we left things were perfect. We were a happy little family of four and I was thankful, but in the back of my head all i thought was, we have only this many months, then this many days before deployment. It really dragged me down, but it also built me up to cherish the moments that I otherwise probably would have just found to be normal parts of the day. It was kind of like a terminal cancer patient making the most of the months they have left. I wanted to do everything and put as much into those four months that I could, because I was dreading being a "single" mom.

     We're into month five of the deployment and I'm sitting here at the computer watching my girls play barbies, share pretzels, and watch Monsters Inc. together. I'm reminiscing over the memories of my journey as a mommy, and I have to say, I am so blessed. There are many days that I second guess myself, or get down because I know that in this or that situation Brandon would have been more fun, or would have handled it better because he has more patience. I get frustrated because I feel like I don't know "Marlana" anymore, just mommy or Mrs. PFC Cureton. I hate feeling like I have nothing but war and barbies to talk about. I curse the army for making me the ONE thing I never wanted to be... a mom raising her kids alone.
      
         But then I remember, I have a pretty awesome husband who is talking DAMN good care of me and our girls, I have family and friends that are a space a flight away if I need a break, and I have God to lean on for those days when I feel like everything sucks. I have a new found appreciation for single mothers, because ladies, you are awesome. I do have a husband helping me and loving me and making my life easier even when he is far away, and this shit is hard, so applause to you, and I hope someone buys you dinner or a drink (or six) for your hard work. Also, for those mothers that are deployed, I feel for you, I know that even though there are days these girls make me want to rip my freakin hair out, but spending that much time away to make their lives the best it can be, you girls are just, amazing. Sacrifice and love like that is rare, and mothers and fathers like you deserve respect and cheers. So Happy Mother's Day to everyone, and I hope that whether your family is together, separated, divorced, whatever... its a day that you can reflect and see that your kids are the reason YOU get to celebrate, so thank them for making you a mommy, love them and pamper them just as much as you expect to be, just be happy to be a mother.

So Sick...

   In the story of Brandon and Marlana, there are many, many more stories that I could tell between junior year and November 05, but I am not posting those. Since they involve the feelings of other people being hurt,  I'm moving along to our second "beginning".

   Brandon called mea few days before his birthday in the fall of 05. As always, we talked on the phone pretty often, but we hadn't really seen each other more than in passing because of school, work and other people. This time was different though. He was asking me out. Even though I was dating at the time, I still thought, this is a date. I put on a cute outfit, did my hair and make up, and the day of his birthday I went over to Las Margaritas and met him and his (my) family for dinner. I got to sit and eat taco's with him and his sister and his mom and just laugh and have a good time. Something I hadn't done in a really long time. This part of my life, up until that day when I turned my back against the world, was "the dark ages". I was a really bad person. Seriously. I used people, I partied a lot, I was a really mean person, I felt like I hated everyone, but most of all I hated myself. I hated who I had become. I was bitter and unhappy with where I was at in my life. I did a Kanye and became a College Dropout, but little did I know you had to have skills as a rapper to be a millionaire with no bachelors degree. Seriously though, I was just coasting along working at journeys, shrugging my shoulders about anything and everything. Going to dinner that night was like breathing after being under water for too long. I felt like my head was clear and happy that I wasn't being smothered for once.

   After dinner was over we went to watch the sunkings game. I don't remember the score, I don't remember who they played, hell I really don't even remember the weather, but I do remember laughing and smiling more than I had in months. More than that, I remember having butterflies. I mean like, damn. I couldn't keep myself from just wanting to giggle. Strait up first crush type of shit. And thats exactly what it was. This was the first guy i ever cared about. The first guy that told me he loved me, the first guy that ever met my parents. I knew again, this is it for me. And this time I didn't run from it. I embraced it with my whole heart. I was fucking scared. I'd never let myself fall before, and I couldn't stand the thought of this guy, this perfect for me in every way guy, hurting me. I also couldn't stand the thought of me hurting him. That night I drove for some reason, and he put in a cd that he brought from his car, it had Ne-Yo So Sick playing on it, and I was really feeling that song hard, because I was so sick of the way things were going, and he had just ended something on his end, it seemed like a weird "beginning" song for us, but the ends of or other things in life that were making us so sick of everything helped us to begin again strong.

   I made a lot of changes and cuts in my life in the following weeks, and it was like a cancer patient going through surgery and chemo, I came out clean and with a new outlook on life. Seriously. I found myself having hopes and dreams and goals again, and looking forward to the future. I wish I could say that I did all that on my own, but I didn't. I mean deep down, I knew I was capable of being the person that I broke free of the BS to become, but he brought it out, and I love him unconditionally and eternally for that.

Stupid Stinky Deployment!!!

Its been a  while since I blogged. I have been a busy busy woman, but the last two weeks its mainly been because of a sick little gaby girl. Dru throw up, I can handle... Gaby throw up, not so much. I have had to do things the last few weeks that I never ever wanted to do. I had to hold my baby down and let a doctor give her a shot, and I had to hold her down while she got blood drawn. Hardest. Thing. Ever. It goes without saying that everyday gets harder and easier at the same time, but its days like those that I literally ache with how much I miss Brandon. He is the big strong soldier man, he can handle stuff like that not me. A lot of times it feels like I do thinks only because I have to, with tears in my eyes or a crappy mood, but I do it. I do it because my kids need me, I do it because I want Brandon to know that I can handle the shit that the deployment throws at us, and that has to be good enough, because damn it, there are some days that I just don't want to change another effing diaper, or that I don't want to get up in the middle of the night because Gaby needs tylenol. Mainly it's just knowing that if Brandon was home I would have help, support, and some one to help make the days and nights better. Knowing that if a day is good, it could have been better had he bee there, or that a long night would have been easier if I could have him wrap his arms around me and kiss me back to sleep. The deployment is hitting me hard lately and I know that most women hit a low point around the four month mark which, tada, is right where we are at. its like yeah we made it four months... but we have so long to go. I have to struggle with my inner spoiled rotten wife and not throw a tantrum some days because all I want Brandon to do is pay attention to me, not play stupid poker or wwe 2011 with his friends. Luckily for both of us the deployment is teaching me some patience and understanding, because I know that he needs that time with his friends to wind down after the long days that they have to deal with, and that he always skype kisses me and the girls good night, so I know I have it really good, and I know he deserves a break. All I want to do is just have him home. I want to touch his face and kiss his lips and fall asleep in his arms, whoever said that body pillows help, you're a liar!!! Some days I wake up and force myself out of bed and to the gym, or to PWOC, some days I am up before the sun and just ready to knock another day off this seemingly never ending calender on my wall, but either way, the day passes, and we are one day closer to him being home, and to looking back on these days and thanking God for the growth and strength that he has given us through this experience. I am so thankful to have been blessed with a husband that makes this process as easy as it can be, that communicates with me, and that keeps a smile on my face whether its through a silly comment, a skype conversation, or one of our many unforgettable memories. I guess the point of this blog is that I'm strong because I have to be, but I am in love because with brandon its as easy as breathing. I can make it through the hard days because I have God, my family, memories, and the knowledge that when Brandon gets home, I have so much to look forward to.

back at it

it's been a few days since my last post, for the awesome reason that I have been way too tired for keeping so busy that I just want to sleep!! I have been really active in the community lately, trying to get involved with the FRG and getting out and meeting people, going to every event the base has to offer. Let me just say this, it is amazing home fast you meet people and how fast the day passes when you don't get home until 5 and you wonder where the day went. I hit the gym last week and I have been going ever since. Can I just shout from the rooftops how much I missed running, classes, and the sauna?? Give me three weeks and I am positive that I will be ready to step out on Waikiki beach with Brandon on his R&R in a bikini and have people wonder how we adopted kids that look so much like us (or since they look like brandon they will think he traded his wife in for a sexy new woman!) . I feel like I have been going a thousand miles an hour, but its been nice because I NEED this, I need to get out I need to make this deployment go by fast and I need to remember what its like to be Marlana, to have things to talk about other than diapers and potty training. I love sitting down at the computer to skype with my super soldier and having just as much to talk about as he does, instead of hoping that I am interesting to him. Its nice. I am going to start blogging every night or so again too so that I can actually have something worth checking out every couple days rather than every couple weeks!

One Love

Today is Gaby's 3rd birthday. I can't even believe that its been three years already since the first time that I held my daughter. The day of her birth was one of the most amazing days I have ever experienced. Brandon and I got not sleep that night. He held me through the contractions for ten hours, walked the halls with me, told me he was proud of me, kissed my head. I remember thinking, this man is the bet husband in the world, and I know he is going to make an even better father. I remember thanking God that I decided that I did want to have kids for him, because he deserved to be a father. I remember taking our last picture as just the two of us and thinking, its not the end of something, its the beginning.

  After that first ten hours, I thought I was doing pretty good, until they checked me. I swear those nurses TRY to make it hurt!! After she finished assaulting me, i assumed she was going to tell me that I was at like, a five or six at least... nope. I was STILL at a two. After a month at two and being induced five days late because of a stubborn baby girl, I was mad! I cried. Brandon got scared. I got an epidural. Happiness ensued. Seriously, those things should come with a happy face sticker on them. After another five hours, some very embarrassing conversations enhanced by drugs, and quite a few uncontrollable naps, I felt like maybe I wanted to push. The nurses told me that my midwife had gone to get her hair done, and would be back when the baby was ready. I was mad. They check me, Gaby is face up, I'm at an 8. They pushed and pulled on my tummy to get her to turn and it did not feel good so..... I yelled at the nurses, cried to my husband, kicked everyone out and fell asleep again. I woke up at 520. I remember telling Brandon it hurts. The nurse checked me and tell me Gaby turned to the proper position and they say, you are ready to push. Sue comes in, fresh from the hairdresser at 530. We started to push. I wish I could say I remember it all but I don't. I had a really good epidural. I do remember them asking me if I wanted to feel her coming out and thinking, umm... I am! But they meant touching her head as she came out. I wasn't interested. I remember her feeling her shoulders coming out, two pops, not painful, just weird. I had told them to clean her up before they gave her to me so they did. It seemed like forever, but after 23 minutes, she was out and took her first breath in the world at 553 pm.

I remember being so scared because she didn't cry. I kept asking, why isn't she crying, why isn't she crying. Sue kept telling me that she was fine and she was perfect, and I didn't believe her. Then I heard her, I heard her screaming and I cried. I cried tears of pure raw joy for the first time in my life. Brandon cried with me, I thanked God. Our doctor scolded the nurse because she was holding Gaby telling her how pretty she was, telling her that we should be able to see our pretty baby too.

They gave her to us and she was perfect. I was thinking, who's baby is this? She looked so different than I pictured her, she was even prettier than I imagined. I must have told her I loved her over a million times and Brandon too. He looked so beautiful to me, puffy eyes and all, because I had never seen him so happy in the seven years that I had known him. I fell even deeper in love with him. Our little Gabrielle Marley was a perfect 7 pounds, 7.2 oz and 19 7/8 inches long. I will never forget Brandon holding her for the first time and saying, "am I doing this right?" I laughed as I was still crying. Family and friends came in and took pics and talked to us, gave gifts and told us how pretty she was. I was grateful that we were so blessed, but ready to be alone with my husband and my daughter. I loved seeing my husband as a father. Right from the start, he knew how to be an amazing dad, he held her and played with her and stared at her. We both did.

After Brandon finally fell asleep, I held my sleeping daughter and felt my heart ache. It wasn't a bad ache, it was a good one. It was the feeling of my body making sure that my heart held enough room for all the love and devotion that was growing in me looking at that little girl. She had my heart from the moment I looked at her and saw her looking back at me, knowing that I was looking into a part of me and that she had to know that I was the one that cared for her while she grew, that had her because I wanted to have her, and that would watch the world burn if it meant I could keep her from ever feeling pain. I talked to God that night, like I do every night, and just thanked him for completing me in such a way. I had everything. I was blessed and loved and happy, and I couldn't ask for more.

When we took her home, I remember thinking, they are trusting us to know what to do? We have never done this before!! But not only did we manage, we thrived. I learned how to breastfeed slowly and painfully. Brandon learned that if you hold a naked baby while her bath is running, she will more than likely pee on you. We learned that once they start rolling you never stop running.We learned that fits and tantrums are inevitable, as are hugs and kisses and giggles that make you so happy you cant take it.  Our baby isn't a baby anymore. She is becoming an amazing little girl, with endless energy, that loves to sing bruno mars, that knows that her daddy helps people in ghanstan and eats cheeseburgers and is pretty sure that she is going to marry buzz lightyear one day. I love her, and I need her more than she needs me. I thank God for her everyday, and I get excited for the times that she still wants me to hold her when she falls asleep, because it reminds me of that day, her birthday, when she was mine and nothing was better than being swaddled and snuggled by mommy. Happy Birthday to my little girl, my one love, my heart. I love you booski.

Can U Help Me

   Junior year, here we are again. Its Winterball, and even though I have started dating a guy that has long since become nameless and faceless to me, I still ask Brandon to go with me. Why, may you ask? Simple answer... I love his company, more than anyone else company, and to be honest, far far more than faceless guy's company. Of course there is a Dru Hill song involved, because they had come out with a new song and a new single, I Should Be. Of course he burned me a copy of the CD right when it came out, and told me to listen to it, and of course it made me smile like I just won the lottery, but that night when he sang it in my ear I couldn't imagine anyone singing it any better... sorry Sisqo. But the title of this one is Can U Help Me. The dance was really fun. We took super cute pics, danced all night. Spent time with my high school bff. I know I said in the Beauty blog that I fell in love... and I did. I really did. But then, and even now, he scared the shit out of me. Real talk. How crazy is that to be 15-16 years old and know that you found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? So I denied it. Thought it was just puppy love, or a crush. That night though, on the cafeteria turned dance floor, we danced to Usher. Can U Help Me. Oh lord. The way his hands felt around my waist, the way the skin on his neck was so hot under my fingertips from dancing all night, and the way his breath and lips felt on my ear while we sang that song to each other under our breath, I knew I couldn't put that off as a crush anymore. I was in love. I mean, unconditional, unchanging, and unending love. That forever kind of thing. That night when the dance ended, I never wanted to leave, didn't want my future mother in law dropping me off at some Christmas party that I didn't want to go to, to spend the night in the company of people that pretty simply, could not compare on their best day, to how I felt with Brandon even on his worst.